Expectations and Disappointments (By Linda Hancock)

A few years ago I met Kate Hammett Vaughan, a wonderful soloist who was nominated for a Juno Award. We arranged for me to travel to her home in Vancouver for some private voice lessons. During our first session, we didn't sing a note. We just sat and talked!

I had a little notebook and was diligently writing down everything she said. I will never forget one of the "lessons" that I learned that day. She said, "We are never disappointed unless we have expectations".

As a psychologist, I am often working with individuals who are disappointed in their careers, relationships or other matters. When we dig down to find the root cause, it is often the fact that they had expectations that were never met.

Some of the reasons that led to falling short is that they:

1. Never communicated clearly and openly about what they wanted.
2. Assumed that the other person or employer would automatically think like they do.
3. Didn't put in effort to accomplish their dreams.
4. Focused on people or jobs that weren't able or willing to strive for the same goals.
5. The expectations were unreasonable.
6. Thought everyone should do it for them.
7. Allowed distractions to derail them and became disappointed in themselves.
8. Weren't consistent in their efforts.
9. Didn't research or seek advice from mentors would could help.
10. Faced uncontrollable circumstances such as illness, weather disturbances or world issues.

Think about the things that have disappointed you over the years. Which of the above factors played a role in the outcome? Were there other things that prevented you from having your expectations met?

We definitely can't control everything that happens and frequently we don't have a choice in the events that occur. Many people do not handle change well. But being a passive observer will likely never take you to the place that you really want to be.

The good news is that the past is over, and you can begin on a new path today that will lead to a better future.

Make a list of the things that you want to accomplish and the steps you will take to reach a good outcome.

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What Is Holding You Back From Being a Success

Given all the discussions we have, books being written, and seminars being taught on success you would imagine that we are living in a generation of exceptional successful people. But is that really the case? Have we been overtaken by a tsunami of people living the dream and being successful?

Far from it. Certainly, the rich are getting richer given how our laws are tilted towards making that so. And there are those who rise up to become successful, but they are in the minority. Overall a lot of people feel stuck in the mire of mediocrity unsure of what their next steps should be.

It is possible that there is something holding you back from embracing a lifestyle of success you are so worthy of achieving. Sadly, there are not many sources out there to help you get unstuck. There are a few things under your control which may help you to come out of the mud and step into the lifestyle and benefits of being successful;

• What is your personal definition of success - before you can begin any journey you must know the destination you are seeking to arrive at. Success means different things to different people. For some its finishing college, getting married, moving into a new house or landing that dream job. Whatever your definition is you should write it down, so you can be very clear about what success means to you.

• Review your past - take a good look at how you were raised. What environment did you grow up in? Was it accepting or demanding? Did you feel like you were loved or that you had to prove that you were worthy of being loved? Even if you grew up in a performance driven environment but knew you were loved it can help you to strive towards being successful today.

• Examine your present situation - are you surrounded by people who are pushing towards success or are you around people who could care less about success? Show me your friends and I can predict what your future will probably look like. Hang around people who are looking to be successful and those who have already attained a certain level of success.

• What are you willing to sacrifice - you cannot be successful doing what you are doing when what you are doing has not produced success. If you always do what you have always done you will always have what you already have now. You must step out of the box and take a chance at being great. See yourself living the life you deserve to live and ask yourself "what must I do to become this person I envision?

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Are Your Thoughts Making You Unhappy? | Eckhart Tolle Teachings

Success Tip: Practice Makes Progress, So Let Go of Perfect and Focus on Process

Practice is a powerful tool for developing and sustaining skills. But for many people, the word has negative connotations.

Why? Well, how many of you remember being called inside to practice the piano when you wanted to be playing with your friends? Definitely not fun.

In addition, practice can feel boring and/or painful at times. Think about the bumps and bruises involved in learning a new gymnastics skill. Or how about learning the basics of writing code or of speaking Chinese or French or German? Practice usually involves a lot of time and a lot of repetition. It's not something you'd often call fun.

And then there's that expression: "Practice makes perfect."

I can't think of a more daunting and discouraging way to frame this pursuit. If 'perfect' is the goal of your practice, you are going to feel perennially disappointed in yourself. And that's a set-up for stepping away from practice entirely.

Focus on Progress

Practice is a step-by-step process. The benefits are incremental, and at times, it may be difficult to know whether you are making progress.

Continuing a practice when you're not seeing the benefit is challenging. So that's why I suggest that you keep a brief learning log. Take a moment after each practice session and make note of what you learned.

This gives you, over time, a clear record of your progress. You may be surprised at some of the things you learn. Sometimes you'll be noting gains that have to do with the skill you're practicing. And sometimes you'll be learning about yourself.

The more you work with this log, the better you'll get at recognizing your gains. And as you improve your ability to see and acknowledge your progress, just watch your motivation soar. This keeps you practicing, which can't help but build your skills -- a win-win.

Let go of perfectionism...

And remember, what's vital here are the practice and the process. Your goal is not an endpoint but an ongoing process of continual improvement. And getting to 'perfect' is, quite simply, impossible.

Perfectionism eats up the energy and undermines the confidence of countless bright, energetic, and talented people. Are you one of them?

Well, my hope for you, as we start a new year, is that you embrace practice as an empowering tool for yourself. And at the same time, I hope you'll let go of the unattainable goal of perfectionism.

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Mentors - Having and Being One

Dr. Ben Carson rose from humble beginnings as the son of a single parent to become a trailblazing brain surgeon. Many of us remember the time when he separated congenital twins who were not expected to live or have watched his life story in the movie "Gifted Hands". His cutting-edge methods and strong commitment that involved over 15,000 surgeries were recognized with numerous awards as well as respect and gratitude from those who crossed his path.

Dr. Carson's whole life was not only dedicated to developing expertise in his field of practice but also to serve others. After retiring from his medical career, he unsuccessfully ran for President of the United States and now holds the position as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

This week I finished reading the book "A Doctor in the House" in which Dr. Carson's wife, Candy provides an insider view of her husband's personal and medical activities.

She described a method that he developed over the years for solving any dilemma that involves asking himself the following four questions:

1. What is the best thing that will happen if I do this?
2. What's the worst thing that happens if I do this?
3. What's the best thing that will happen if I don't do this?
4. What's the worst thing that happens if I don't do this?

Four simple questions that can be used as a template for decision-making in all situations!

Because Dr. Carson and his wife wanted to encourage others to reach potential, they created the Carson Scholarship Fund and regularly spoke to various groups even when his work week was extremely demanding.

On June 9, 2015 he was a guest speaker at the inaugural graduation of the Ben Carson High School for Science and Medicine in Detroit, the city where he started his life and journey. During his speech he cautioned students to beware of naysayers and described a situation where his medical school advisor had told him that he wasn't cut out to be a doctor.

Dr. Caron stated: "When someone tells you something like that, remember that they are speaking from their experience, about what they can't do. They really can't speak for what you can do. Only you have control over what you can do."

Over the years, I have been blessed with many good mentors. Some of them were personal friends or acquaintances. Some were ones who I observed from a distance. And some were found in the stories published in the media and books.

We don't need to adopt everything that others say or do but it is important to sift through the information and capture the nuggets of wisdom that will move you forward with your life and goals.

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Why Am I So Broken - Why We Do Not Change Who We Are

This is a common question, and one that perplexes people throughout time. Sigmund Freud created the industry of psychotherapy to try and solve this riddle, but as we know, it is not working for everyone, or for many people at all in the process of making a profound change.

So let's look at the mechanics, like an objective scientist or engineer, taking apart a machine to understand how it works and then rebuild it better.

The human mind and personality is made up of two main parts, the conscious mind and the sub-conscious mind.

The conscious is who you are every moment of your waking life. It can be seen as the car, the vehicle for your personality to express itself and interact with every event.

The sub-conscious is the hidden part of you, but it is the real driver of all your thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions. It is the driver of the car.

The conscious is the child, and the sub-conscious is the parent. The child wants to do what it wants, and make its own choices, but the parent ultimately makes the final decision, often through subtle and hidden manipulation.

The sub-conscious has all your fears and desires. The conscious thinks it is in control, but it is not. Our life is ruled by the sub-conscious, like it or not, that is a fact which you can observe as a scientist, based on the results of your life events.

It is a simple test. Are you getting what you want? Is your life going exactly as you want it to go? Or, do things often turn out bad or not work out the way you want?

Are you finding that perfect love that you think you deserve? Are you getting the great job that you think your are capable of? Are you making the money that you really want to have? The list goes on, and you must make your own list of things you want and think you deserve but are not getting. This is the exercise of the scientist or engineer who is trying to understand its subject.

You will find the answer is 'no' to some or all of these questions. How can I be so certain it is 'no'? Because if it was yes, you would not be searching for answers to your problems, because you would not have any problems!

So the question is; "Why can't I get what I want?" The answer is; "Because your sub-conscious is your real personality and not your conscious mind, i.e. not what or who you think you are, but in fact, who you really are, which is you sub-conscious.

And here is the problem and the solution, all in one simple principle. Your sub-conscious beliefs and behaviour is the real you. Your conscious mind denies that and wants to believe that you are something different than you really are.

When presented with the facts of your behaviour, based on the current situation of your life, you will deny the obvious proof of your true personality.

You will not see yourself do this denial of the facts, but you most certainly have seen this happen with other people.

I work with people all over the world, and it is the same. They come to me with their problems, and after some time, I explain the reason, which is often due to a sub-conscious character trait, and they adamantly refuse to accept that to be true, and insist that they are totally different than what I have presented.

For example, one woman was perplexed why everyone always came to her as if she was the one in charge of anything and everything. Be that at a party, as if she was the hostess when in fact a guest, or to ask her to do things for them, it was constant. I explained, after observing her for some time, that she is always controlling everything and everyone. She always jumps up to get the food, to organize the kids and anyone else around, basically, she never lets anyone do anything, and she does it all herself.

I explained that since she is so controlling, people feel she is the one to turn to, because she does everything for everyone. She totally denied that she was a controlling person and complained she does not like having to do everything, and wants other people to do things for themselves so she can rest.

The evidence was clear. At any event or even at home, she is constantly jumping up to get you a spoon, or clean all the dishes, not letting anyone else clean up after a meal, etc. But when presented with her actions, she denied it was true and said she is not at all controlling so that is not the reason people always come to her. She thinks she is kind and caring and just being a good person.

The underlying sub-conscious reasons for her actions are related to her past as everything in our sub-conscious is, but the point of this example is to show how a person can behave a certain way, and yet deny it. The conscious insist it knows the truth even in the face of the facts proving that the sub-conscious is the true master.

And that is the problem. Humans deny the reality and therefore cannot change, since they refuse to accept the truth. Humans live a life of self-lies and illusions and so obviously cannot change the way their life will go and will thus remain broken.

The solution is:

1. Accept that whatever you think about yourself is wrong.
2. Observe the situation of your life, what do you want and what do you have.
3. Accept that your true character is the one that creates your life experiences as they are, and that your sub-conscious character is your true character and that is who you really are.
4. Accept and work with the truth about yourself, accept your flaws, and then you can change the sub-conscious to be what you IMAGINE your character to be because you will deal with reality instead of imagination and illusion.

This is enough to get you started on changing your life, but of course there is a lot more to learn. 

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Renew Your Spirit This Year

While many people set concrete goals like losing weight, saving money or traveling as part of their New Year's resolutions, I would like to invite you to consider renewing your spirit instead this year. The noble practice of tending to your inner spiritual light and cultivating a sense of peace in your heart may not seem so inviting, but the payoffs are tremendous! When we shift the focus from how we look on the outside to how we feel on the inside, great rewards can be gained and new insights achieved. Our soul is calling us home to true selves, if we take the time to listen.

Essentially, by renewing your spirit through regular daily meditation, you will avail yourself of a reservoir of peace and contentment that surpasses all material gains and desires. Additionally, you can learn to let the peace you feel in meditation ground and support you in your daily life and thus offer a more relaxed and calm approach to situations. Imagine sitting quietly, starting each day with full deep breaths, breathing deeply in through the nose and out through the mouth while focusing on relaxing every fiber of your being. After a time of following this soothing breath, you could then concentrate on breathing in the feeling of peace and breathing out any residual stress or worries. Once an inner stillness is felt, you could then sit and bask in this serenity, while enjoying the sense of being fully in the present moment, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. After this period of quietude, you can then use this powerful energy of inner tranquility to guide you and empower you with the greatest vision of your life.

Some of the greatest authors, artists and musicians have received their inspiration through quiet contemplative times. You too can receive inspiration for your life when you learn to tune in to the inner stillness of your soul. When you are calm and focused, your spirit can then use you as a vehicle for the expression of love, peace and creativity in this world. Answers to problems you face in your day to day life can be revealed through deep listening. Stress, struggle and worry tend to disconnect us from our true nature and our inner guidance. When unduly stressed, our physical vitality may become weak, sleep may be difficult and sickness can set in. Meditation brings us back home to ourselves, to our life force and to our innate self- healing power.

When we are centered in our bodies and calm in our minds, then we can face life with a sense of hope and gratitude. Our energy rises and our hearts open as we relax and let go. We can then become more receptive to receiving blessings in our lives because we are trusting that everything is perfect within this moment. Meditation teaches us to stop the struggle and just be.

During this New Year, I would like you to challenge yourself to renew your spirit each day, by meditating for thirty minutes. Just as in jogging the body benefits most from the exercise that is done after twenty minutes of a sustained cardio workout, so too with meditation. Meditating for a minimum of twenty to thirty minutes brings more results that five or ten minutes. Once this meditation practice is established, you can then use the meditation to consciously focus on what you want to create in your life. By imagining in your mind's eye during meditation, the way you want to feel in your day to day life, and what it is that you want to bring into your life you can align yourself with the forces of the universe to help in creating this happening. For example, if you want to feel more confident, and get a new job, you can envision yourself successfully handling a job interview and shaking hands with your new boss while feeling peaceful, comfortable and confident. In this way, through using the power of visualization you tap into the mystical power of manifestation in your life, and change can happen more readily.

As you can see there are many benefits to meditation, however as with any new skill or art it takes diligent practice to get better at it. I would like to suggest a free app for your phone called "Insight Timer". This app offers hundreds of meditations from many different backgrounds. Whether you are seasoned at meditating and wish to branch out and explore new ways of, or you are brand new, this app promises to delight you. There are guided meditations, music, chanting and nature sounds. Since we are all unique, find what works best for you and then commit to doing that meditation every day. You will be glad you did when you see the rewards of your practice coming to life in your world.

This simple yet profound act of meditating regularly and renewing your spirit can provide you with a source of inner strength, peace and power that is better than any trip or external goal you may set. Welcome back home to yourself. 

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