"Still looking for that one person who can change your life? Take a good look in the mirror." Roman Price
Before we discuss "Being Mean" there's one very important point that we must address:
"Love Thyself." "You must place yourself above anyone and everyone... you must come first."
This is the number one fundamental life precept that you must understand, accept and be totally faithful to, if you're going to be happy and successful.
Selfish? No. Prudent and wise? Very!
It's not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself and to make your happiness a priority. It's a necessity.
You don't actually have to be in love with yourself immediately, but you do have to at least like yourself. "Liking" will work fine in the beginning. Loving yourself will come and when it does, it should be met at the front door with arms wide open.
Right now you need to learn how to sustain yourself and remain mentally vigorous as you move forward towards a happy, successful life. Taking care of yourself with effective nurture and self-encouragement will help establish a secure and fortified cerebral and emotionally insulated virtual outpost for you to function from.
You must obstinately bind yourself to the affirmation that the one person who absolutely, positively must be on your side and in your corner at all times, is none other than "You."
Concentrate on "you" first. Get to know the real "you", flaws and all. Build a mutually beneficial and mutually respectful relationship with "you" first. Worry about the rest of "us'" later.
Why is it so important to cultivate self-love and self-respect?
I'm glad you asked...
1 - In my opinion there's only one genuine honest-to-goodness answer and that's: If not you then who?
How can you expect people to like or respect you if you can't find a reason to like or respect yourself?
The people closest to you in your personal life and in your business life are usually a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Like and respect yourself enough and you'll find yourself surrounded by quality like-minded people who like and respect you as well.
2 - "Liking" yourself and "liking" who you are is the spark that ignites the power that generates indomitable strength and an invincible will to succeed in any of life's endeavors.
"Self-like" acts as a catalyst that sets off a chain-reaction whereby urgent messages and updates are deployed to the deepest recesses of your mind. The vital mission of these messages and updates is to advocate for you and reaffirm that you're ready and able to start, or continue, your success quest, and that you deserve to achieve whatever you want to achieve.
Please Note: We're not talking about the egocentric posture where you only think about yourself and always try to manipulate people for your own selfish reasons.
It's about you "liking" yourself enough that it creates an impressive energy source that's able to generate the strength and willingness you need to share your success and for you to be mentally available to others that might need your support and help.
"Liking" yourself and being kind to yourself is not only beneficial to you but it creates a safe and comfortable place for the people around you to come and visit. Knowing and feeling that you're worthy of love will encourage you to reach out to people and to let people reach out to you.
A respected and "well liked" warrior within is a warrior that is untouchable and indefatigable. Your warrior within will cherish your love and self-respect and reward you with an inexhaustible supply of motivation and an abundant amount of endurance.
Some Advice: Don't try to change everything at once. It won't work and trying to will only wear you down and discourage you. Small steps rock. Focus on making one small change at a time. Changes made in small increments is appropriate and definitely the way to go.
The Success Quest Commences:
I laid out what I recognize as the foundation and infrastructure for a happy, successful life. You understand it and accept it.
You're now feeling good about yourself and you decide that you're not going to stay where you are. You want a happier, more interesting, more fulfilling and a more successful life. At this point you'll set down a strategic plan on how to do that. Your priorities should be to build a success support community and a success support arsenal.
Developing and Mastering "Self- like" and "Self-Respect" will also provide you with the strength and fortitude to confront, rebuff and to cope with obstacles. This also includes humans if they represent interference, conflict and they threaten to hinder or impede your progress.
You'll find that your success and setbacks can all be traced back to an interaction or interactions with " a Human or Humans." That's inevitable and "it is what it is."
Speaking of Humans:
I'd like to introduce you to one of the most compelling, commanding tools in your success support arsenal that most people take for granted and waste it by using it aimlessly, non-strategically and worst of all, dangerously.
Something to Think About: "A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret" Unknown
This tool that's in your success support arsenal will give you the support that you'll need in order to endure, avert or deflect obstacles and in particular, human obstacles.
Why You Gotta Be Mean:
"Sometimes being too nice is dangerous and you have to show your mean side once in a while to avoid getting hurt." Unknown
"Being Mean" is appropriate and applicable when used for the right reasons. Don't feel bad and don't feel guilty. When used accurately and sparingly "Being Mean" is just an effective tool in life's pushing and pulling.
This is a success support tool that's meant to protect you physically and mentally. The degree of "Meanness" that you use will depend on the kind of protection that you need.
What is "Being Mean" and how do you use it?
There are 3 levels of "Being Mean":
Level 1 Mild: At this level you would be firm, brusque, stoic, forward or rude. You would also be unwilling to give or share things: Especially your money, your clothes, your home, your thoughts or your significant other.
Protection Against: This level is to use on the socially stupid and the narcissists who have no respect for borders and boundaries. In addition, this level is appropriate for annoying, irritating, ungrateful wise guys or gals. Moochers or scroungers are easily repelled with "mild meanness."
"Mild Meanness" is also a prudent initiatory strike level to begin a dispute. Starting off "Mildly Mean" and low key is always prudent and always a safe bet. You could always turn up the heat to the next level if you find that the other person is not being affected at this degree of meanness.
Level 2 Medium: At this level you would be nasty, foul in spirit, verbally foul, spiteful, unkind, hardened, unyielding, contemptible, hateful, rotten or unfair.
Protection Against: This level is to be used for the person who not only "doesn't get it" but they don't care about you and your feelings. This person is totally oblivious to the "shot across the bow" that had your signature on it.
You find yourself on this level when your statement or gesture, intended to frighten this person into changing their course of action, went unheeded. If you moved up to this level, then this person obviously does not deserve your respect or your compassion. Give them what they deserve.
Level 3 Hot: At this level you would be Vicious, cruel, depraved, ferocious, fierce, harsh merciless, ruthless, severe or exhibiting extreme aggression in behavior and words.
Protection Against: This is a stressful level. This is the level where you take no prisoners. This level is where you discern imminent danger to you and your loved ones. There's no negotiating or reasoning at this level. You do and say what's needed to avoid and eliminate danger from your personal space.
Personal Note: Other uses for Level #3
1 - I've gone to this level in cases where someone was "threatening" me financially and in some cases when someone tried to hurt my company, or me and my partners by trying to discredit us.
2 - I'm not proud of it but I even went to this level when I was coaching soccer for my son's team many years ago. The coach from the other team was extremely aggressive and threatening and I had to go straight to "hot."
3 - I've used this "Hot" level in situations where I started at "mild," and had to rapidly move to "medium" to no avail. The "Hot" level had to be used.
4 - Another use of "Being Mean" is for the dramatic effect. It could be used in the old good guy/bad guy routine or the bad guy/good gal routine on the kids or in buying a house or in buying a car.
Here you could choose any level. With the children you and your significant other would obviously select level#1.
In business I used Level #3 to provoke an opposing lawyer so badly that he wanted to physically fight with me.
The opposing side walked in with 4 lawyers and folders with notes 4 feet high. That immediately got me crazy and wound up. I calmed down and knew what I had to do to cut him off at the knees and end this charade. The opposing lawyer started his questions. I went to level #1 and by his third question I was on Level #3 and fiercely stirring the pot.
Eventually the opposing lawyer screamed an obscenity directed at my mother and I returned the favor. I turned my head, winked at my partner and my lawyer and told the opposing side to make a deal or I'll reveal information that will have their client end up in jail. Jail? Obviously I left out a few details here. We ended the negotiations in 45 minutes. We saved tens of thousands of dollars in litigation fees and we saved 7 figures in our settlement.
The Best part of it all.. . The opposing side told my partner and my lawyer that they thought that I was crazy.
Some advice for when you first feel any level of "mean" coming on:
A - There's a big difference between using the "Hot" level for imminently dangerous situations and using it on a human where "mild" and "medium" was just not working. Be careful and try to avoid this level if in a non-threatening situation. The results are usually not very pretty here in the "Hot" level.
It's okay to rip someone apart if they deserve it but you must know that the ripple effect conundrum resulting from your actions could present even bigger challenges and more intense conflict in the days ahead and sometimes, in the years ahead.
A quote I recently read: "Don't do something permanently stupid just because you're temporarily upset"
B - Before you get to "Being Mean" try: "Being strong, but not rude; Being kind, but not weak; Being bold, but not a bully; Being humble,but not timid; Being proud, but not arrogant." Jim Rohn
C - Always start out "Being Mean" in the mild level and mentally retreat for a few moments before you turn up the heat to the next level. You can dial it back but it get's very messy real fast.
D - It's OK to rip into someone and bring them to their knees but always try to do it privately where it's possible for them to "save face" and, only if it's safe for you and it's something that you're comfortable with.
E - It's a good idea when it all calms down, and if you were the one who initiated the verbal attack, to step back, take a moment to pull it together and then "pick them up" and make nice. Being the bigger person in a situation takes humility, restraint and is a sign of a strong character. Use that strength to take control.
F - In life, you'll realize that there is a purpose for every human that you meet. Some are there to test you. Some will use you. Some will teach you. And some will bring out the best in you. The point? Give people the benefit of the doubt at first. If you find that they've crossed your "line" then move into a 'Being Mean" mode and insulate and safeguard you and the people that are important to you.
Of course, if you don't care about them or your future together just walk away if you feel that they got the message.
Final Advice: Like yourself and take charge of your life. Be diligent about it. Be flexible about it. Be open minded about it. Be on the lookout for new opportunities for it. Be open to meeting new people for it. Be happy and be successful. It's your life and you're the boss of that life.
The old tried-and-blue is the perfect advice on how to take charge of your life as much as possible:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
"Don't settle. Don't finish crappy books. If you don't like the menu, leave the restaurant. If you're not on the right path, get off it." Chris Brogan
Good luck. You'll do fine. Stay safe out there. Never give up. Never ever. You cannot fail if you refuse to give up.