Do you ever get sick of yourself? Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try you'll always fail? Do you ever feel like you've made so many wrong decisions and so many bad choices that digging yourself out will never erase how disappointed you feel? Do you ever look at the crap happening in your life and think, "What am I doing wrong?" Do you ever compare yourself to others and marvel at how easy success seems to come to them? Or how happy they manage to be even when their life is a massive pile of dung?
I never do these things. I always feel like I have it all together. Really. Hahahahahahahahaha.
This morning, as my meditation crumbles into a cesspool of self-pity, I swirl around in the muck and acknowledge how true these feelings are. How real and painful they seem. I beat myself up. Then I beat myself up for beating myself up. I can't shake the feeling that I am a loser because I haven't accomplished all the dreams I had as a child. I haven't experienced all of the things I said I would do... be... have. I actually sob, letting the disappointment of what I deem to be multiple failures swallow my heart. And as always. As always, always, always. A little, teeny-tiny, pipsqueak of a voice squeaks out from the back of my mind, "Hey wait." But the big booming voice of defeat stomps it out. Triumphant. But the little guy chimes back, "I'm here and I love you." And the deep song of failure tells the little voice to shut up. And the little voice says, "You don't own me." And the big, booming voice of failure... laughs. Ah-ha! The little pipsqueak is winning. The little pipsqueak says, "I am tiny and insignificant, but I have it over you." And this little voice inspires me to pick up my lap top. To come up with the five reasons why the bully in my head won't win. Five reasons why I am not a failure. Five reasons why I am enough. I don't know what the top five reason are that I am enough. But I am gong to take a stab.
5. I take the time to explore these feeling. I listen, cajole, admonish, plead. I don't bury these feeling and thoughts. I don't let them determine who I am.
4. I realize I am not alone. As I pay attention to this voice of doubt and frustration, anger and pain... I also realize that I see it in others. It pops out of daily conversation in the oddest, most subtle, of ways. I am grateful that at least I am aware of the voice. At least I can accept that it is part of me. At least I don't pretend it's not there. Because I believe if you deny the bully a place at the table, it will crawl under your chair and stab your toes.
3. I am happy that I want to share my experience. Literally in the middle of sobbing, my little pipsqueak voice started working out how I might inspire others by sharing this experience. What I was going to post on my Morning Walk Adventure site today. How I might use these feelings of not-enough-ness to make others feel they are more.
2. I can choose gratitude. Being enough is an intangible idea. It is a slice of banana cream pie in the sky. And choosing gratitude is as the way to dive into the banana-y whipped cream. Gratitude is the pulley to a better place.
1. I have the choice to characterize my not enough-ness. I can write about it. I can laugh about it. I can give the pipsqueak voice the image of that unstoppable mouse in Tom and Jerry. I can realize why people love that cartoon. Because in this moment it represents the constant battle to be enough. I can reduce my bully into a cartoon character and give a giant hammer to the pipsqueak. My little voice can shake its fist and say, "I may be a small, squeeky wheel, but I will get the oil!"
So there you have it. Imperfect. Perhaps a bit whiny and pathetic. Look at that. There is even judgement in my summary of what I just wrote. Sigh. The bully is alive and well. But we all know that bullies are bullies because deep down they feel powerless and bullying is a way to take a step toward power. So the little pipsqueak can take the hand of the big bully and say, "It's okay. It will aaaalllll be okay. I will guide you. I've got your back. Frickin relax" And that's all there is. That's all that matters. That is enough.