After a long year of ups and downs, turning all around, I have finally started to tune my heart, body, and mind.
The baggage from my abusive childhood, my inability to be emotionally positive towards me, my disastrous relationships and, above all, my willingness to stay aboard my fantasy wreckage made me drown deep in a bottomless sea of lies.
However, I couldn't be more grateful for this long-lasting journey! I have finally started seeing myself equal to everyone else around me: neither higher (with an arrogant flair) nor lower (placing my occasional boyfriends, my bosses, my "friends", my colleagues on a pedestal). What really happened in a second of pure silence and total mindfulness was that I embraced my inner broken-hearted child, forgave myself and finally let go of it all.
My goal, since I ran away from my family, was to keep running away from my pain: walk with bleeding feet on top of my treasure that had long been forgotten, surrounded by thorns. The air I breathed was slowly poisoning my veins until it reached my heart. I chose willingly to eat, sleep and share my energy with the projections of my defeated ego, non-existent self-esteem, and stubborn attitude to hold on to my illusions until they get fulfilled. I could not accept - I would NOT accept - that I had failed, that my dreams and goals have failed.
When I was a child, my fantasies were my best friends, where I could escape my depressingly abusive parents and enclose the beauty that I could still witness, and myself intact. Indeed, it served me well for a long period but it could not serve me anymore. I needed to face facts. I needed to face my reality. I needed to find my truth and find myself walking on my cosmic pathway.
And so, my alphabet of self-love emerged:
a) drinking water and providing oxygen to my body
b) eating tasty home-cooked meals
c) eating fruits and vegetables
d) taking care of my skin
e) listening to music
f) listening to the raindrops as they touch the leaves
g) touching the trees
h) smelling the nature
j) witnessing the nature's wonder
l) painting abstract pictures
n) cultivating my knowledge
o) reading = learning
t) having an order in my room
u) spending time in solitude smiling
v) embracing myself
w) empowering myself through yoga
x) feeling grateful for who I am, my flaws and my beauties alike
y) LOVING MYSELF
z) walking on my cosmic pathway
If I can do it, you CAN do it too! All you need is to set your mind towards self-enhancement and stick to it regardless of the storm around you! I still struggle with my expectations and fantasies, BUT once reality sets in, it never goes away. In fact, it becomes stronger every day.