I'll never forget the day in my mid-thirties when I had an insight that freed me from 20 years of feeling inadequate, less than, broken. I discovered that there are two kinds of people on the planet: eagle people and mole people. Up to that moment I was a mole person trying to be an eagle person.
At age 15 my friends were talking about what they wanted to do when they grew up. My brother, from age 4 loved airplanes and played with them and wanted to dedicate his life to them. And so he has. He is an eagle person, being able to see in the far distance where he wants to go, what he wants to do. I had no idea what I wanted to do, and I still don't! But back then, I could not admit that I had no idea without exposing how inadequate, broken I felt I was. I was a mole person believing I was a broken eagle person, and that there only were eagle people.
In college I had no idea what I wanted to major in. Basically, being a straight "A" student, I had the option of majoring in "Elective Studies". I was fascinated by humans, so I took Sociology, Anthropology, and Psychology. Half way through the first semester of my junior year I had a sense that this was not "it". I had no idea what "it" was, but it was not this. The immediate "it" was dropping out with my friend and going to California to learn to surf. But that is not the "it" I was supposed to want! Dropping out was irresponsible. What was wrong with me? (In hindsight, internally, it felt like the first responsible choice I had ever made).
I dropped out. My friend bailed. What to do? It came to me to go to Aspen and stay with wonderful Aunt Caroline for the winter if she would have me. And so, it was. Next, it came to me to go stay with my mom in Mexico. I found Maria Montessori: Her Life and Works on her book shelf and fell instantly in love. I enrolled in the Montessori training course. I accepted the offer to teach bilingual Montessori to Chicano student in Austin, Texas. I could sense that I was one of the 80% of graduates of the Montessori Training Program that would not remain a Montessori teacher, but I needed and wanted to be a Montessori teacher for three years to feel I really did know and understand the Montessori philosophy and approach. I had no idea what else I wanted to do, but I knew it was not to be a Montessori teacher over the long term.
A year and-a-half into being a bilingual Montessori teacher in Austin, I was conducting parent conferences and an agitated, distressed mom came in to talk with me - her 24 year old kid's teacher. "I am so upset! What should I do??? I met the man of my dreams and he told me I had to pick between my kids and him!!! What should I do????"
I found myself saying, "Imagine it is 30 years in the future and you are looking back on this decision. Ask yourself, which decision you can/want to live with." Her eyes beamed. Her face light up. "That's a no brainer! What just happened? What did you do? I have spoken with many people, including my pastor and no one has been able to help".
In that moment I knew, "This is my work". I had no name for it, but I knew this was it.
One thing lead to another. Marjorie, my first wife, and I divorced. Kathy, my second wife and I met in Austin and moved to Seattle, where Kathy had dreamed of going for its radical feminism and social work. We foster parented, separated, got divorced. I worked at different, meaningful jobs - as Mental Health Coordinator at Head Start; as Mental Health and Substance Abuse Counselor at Consejo. Five years into being at Consejo it became clear that this was my path, my field, my work and I need to get a license to legitimately, professionally practice - a master's degree. I enrolled at Antioch...
My whole life I had this underlying feeling of total inadequacy and terror; feeling broken because I had no goals, no plans no ambition, no direction. I was swimming in an ocean of dark thoughts and mood, looking for islands of respite from constant insecurity and misery. For weeks and months at a time, my first impulse upon awakening in the morning would be, "I just want to die". From that dark cave of despair, I pursued my deep longing for peace, security and happiness.
Looking, looking, looking... Suddenly, out of the blue, I could see in hindsight a clear, organized, predictable path and choices that were well made from the moment I decided to drop out of college to completing my Masters's degree at Antioch. OMG! Life had carved out the perfect path for me. It had been exactly as it needed to be to get me here! It had worked perfectly by feeling my way in the dark while I could never see what was coming next. I went where I needed to go. I got where I needed to be when I needed to be there.
In that moment I discovered that feeling my way in the dark had worked this whole time! I was not broken!
I am a mole person! My brother is an eagle person. Both ways work perfectly well. What doesn't work is a mole person trying to be an eagle person and being looked down on for not being an eagle person. I am a Mole and I am Proud!
https://ezinearticles.com/?Learning-to-Embrace-Not-Knowing&id=10131465
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