Anger Is an Illusion of Power

At times life presents a situation where someone enters into our office, home or school and brings frustration. Instead of checking the frustration at the door, like baggage at an airport, this person enters with full blown anger! Communication is filled with aggression! "We should have done this earlier! Why did I have to wait at the post office so long?!" By being angry or frustrated, we think that we are being powerful with a conflict. "I'm angry and I'm going to let everyone know I'm angry because then I will demonstrate my strength."

In reality, anger is a projection like a dart. The dart is thrown at a target with the desire to feel the power of making contact with focused intent. The targets become people and situations outside of oneself such as our closest friends, family, co-workers or pets. In yelling or using quick darting tones, people feel they will be heard and the targeted person will be able to fix or solve the problem. People whom use anger as a source of power alienate their friends and family because they are unfamiliar with other ways of working with anger. "Look at what you did! You dropped milk on the floor!" Anger has nothing to do with the milk on the floor. Okay, the milk is on the floor and it can be cleaned. The angry reaction is about something inside of oneself that is not being addressed. The true target is moving and vague because it's an unknown part of ourselves that wants resolution. If we are the ones reacting with anger and whom feel threatened, two questions worth asking are: What is underneath the anger? and What is the source?

Anger comes from a place of pain. Pain dictates the target and course of action. Anger, along with its family group of frustration, irritation, annoyance, and aggression, may seem to gets us what we want. If we are angry with a situation or a person, then that person or situation will have to change to respond to us. We believe that the deeper the anger, the more change occurs in our favor; however, this is a misperception. On the surface, it may seem that by being angry we are receiving what we want when in fact what we are receiving is an answer to our pain. A continual answer to the pain being projected outside of ourselves. Riding the pain cycle instead of walking from a true sense of self.

If anger is an illusion of power, then what is true power? Power can take on many forms. Some people relate to power as having confidence. Others refer to power as strength of mind. While others think of power as being able to lift 300 pounds of steel with one hand. Those are aspects of how power can been seen; however, true power is the connection with the core of oneself. True power is the unwavering knowing that lives in our bodies, minds and souls. Being able to stand in the face of chaos while also maintaining calm presence. Being able to say no to situations that no longer serve our lives. Being able to say yes to opportunities that uplift our lives in the direction of joy and fulfillment. Saying yes and taking steps towards situations and relationships that push our edges to help us grow. Saying no to situations and relationships that dull our experience and no longer support our life path. It's tricky business to walk the edge of knowing that something or someone no longer serves our lives. The edge holds grief and anger serves as grief's vehicle. Anger is a way to show us that we need to shift something in our lives such as our job, our relationships, our family, our friends or community. If the anger is not addressed, it comes out and attacks other people when the milk is spilled on the floor. Anger gives us the opportunity to transform our lives rather than be a vehicle of pain. Transformation occurs by naming the pain, healthy releasing of anger associated with the pain (examples: physical exercise, arts, writing, counseling) and resolving the pain with acceptance.

It takes courage to step off the train of pain and take steps into the power of self. It takes strength to walk the path of self journey because then we have made the commitment to look deeply at our wounds, pain, emotions and how we are in the world.

Allowing ourselves to receive more of a true picture of our lives in this moment and every moment. In doing so, we realize the lies we've told ourselves about anger as a way to get what we want. We bring awareness to the patterns in our lives. Is there happiness? Are we pretending to be happy to feel safe? What is the source of anger today? The source of sadness? The source of numbness? When anger shows up in the external form as someone or something disrupting us, it's time to look at what is actually happening internally. Are we not being honest with ourselves about our current life? Or is this person who is having an angry reaction going through a challenge that needs to be addressed? The questions and honest answers are the beginning steps that lead into the power of self. Steps that move us away from reacting from pain and move us toward responding with compassion and sincerity.

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