How I Changed My Environment So That I Could Reach Success

Successful people are aware that at some point, if they wish to reach success then they needed to shake things up a little and change their environment to take it to the next level. They adjust the sails, follow their compass or take the better lane as they are approaching “that fork stuck in the road”. Sheldon shares the crucial moments and the decisions that he made while he was chasing his dreams of a better life, and how important it is to position yourself in a better environment for success.

Enjoy! – Joel Brown | CEO & Founder of Addicted2Success

Changing Your Environment To Reach Success

“I wanted to grow, not that I did not have a good job, I was now a member of Senior staff, I travelled, I had a small staff report to me, a car, benefits. I represented the company at International Conferences, where I learned lots. But during these Conferences my mind was opened from meeting all these former and present entrepreneurs and leaders, they fuelled my hunger with their stories:

A mind once expanded with knowledge cannot return to its former way of thinking

I found myself seeking new opportunities within the company, and getting cut short at each turn, but I didn’t give up, I expanded within my limits till I was stuck, nowhere to go.

Then, one day I got a casual call for a problem one of my junior staff couldn’t fix, but, it was after hours. I did the usual and started sorting the customer out. Suddenly the customer complained of the time, and asked could we continue tomorrow, I said no problem (tomorrow would take us into the weekend). He agreed to call me when he was set.

The next day at about noon the call came, we had a friendly chat until I solved the problem, It lasted the lunch hour or so. We spoke about my Family, Me, what I had done in life etc. When I solved his problem, he told me his business partner was experiencing a similar issue, could he let him call me this weekend also. I agreed.

Sunday at around 1PM his partner called, the call was similar, relaxing chit-chat etc, problem solved, by that time the call had gone to first name basis. and he invited, or rather demanded that I meet them for a drink after working hours on Tuesday. I agreed that we would confirm at noon Tuesday.

Tuesday, We all met at a popular hangout spot for the more affluent. I was introduced to a few businessmen that I knew from seeing them in the news. We sat had a few drinks, then these men explained the weekend to me. They had been looking to recruit someone to become and Executive, who works beyond the call, had the right attitude, understood the importance of building relationships and conversation, and had a burning ambition, they chose me. If I said “Yes” they would teach me to be an Executive, a Businessman, If I chose “No’ I could now choose from 2 options, get up and leave, or stay around them spend some time and learn, maybe I would change my mind. (I could not afford to hangout with these guys, this place is too pricey even for my salary). I chose to seize the opportunity after I was fully explained the risk.

The risk was “leave your job and help us build this opportunity”, and if it works you will be at the top of the game, if it fails, you will lose everything, except the experience and our friendship. It failed and I lost exactly almost everything, I did gain an insatiable hunger, and invaluable experience, I felt like I completed a Doctorate in Entrepreneurship, Thinking Big, Leadership and Execution.

The old job was there, I turned it down, I started building my own Company, I wanted to be an enhanced version of these same guys. I kept rubbing shoulders with them 3 times weekly.

One day I looked back and realized that everything changed, my perspective, goals, desires, speech, decisions, friends. My optimism was now permanent, my dress (I bought less party clothing), I ate better food, and less food, I stopped going to many parties, and chose carefully what events I attended, I read more books, I began to think, act and behave like one of them, a CEO/Business Owner. Life felt enriched. My older friends treated me a different respect. Most importantly I became more humble, respectful, open-minded and charged to go every single morning, while attracting International business opportunities and friends.

It came full circle when my first venture needed the services of one of these impeccable gentlemen, and over a drink, we arranged for me to meet his CEO. When I arrived that morning, the way I was greeted was my first instalment into my new world, I led the discussion and terms were accepted and agreed upon. We went out for a drink to celebrate the partnership. My friends were there, I secretly asked if they engineered the deal behind the scene, the answer was “No”. They said it was all me, and they saw no need to help, since they admire how I handle myself, and that they consider me as “One of the Boys”. We don’t hangout every week anymore, but once monthly we connect, sometimes laugh at my growth, and praise and encourage each other along our separate ventures, share trade secrets and tips.

The change was natural, and such an important part of the process to my Success. I now own or partly own 2 International Companies, and lead all group negotiations. My hunger, passion, goals grow with the more I learn. I slipped a couple of times, I look around and see that like in the story of Peter walking on water, I took my eyes off the prize, and strayed mentally into the wrong environment, and quickly adjust my GPS.

Many lessons were learned, many more to learn, success is a journey, I am enjoying mine. I did learn that most important to my success was the people I spent time with, I started reading, speaking, thinking like them, and they were all Successful International Businessmen, I learned that if you focus on your goals and commit to them, the Universe will bring you the right people to help you manifest your vision!”

http://addicted2success.com/success-advice/how-i-changed-my-environment-so-that-i-could-reach-success/

The Words That Can Make Your Relationship

Sharing doesn't diminish your happiness. It amplifies it.

And did you get what
You wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved,
To feel myself beloved on the earth.

— Raymond Carver, “Late Fragment”

Source: Aspen Photo/Shutterstock

On characteristic that sets blue-ribbon relationships apart from the rest is the tendency for both partners to live in a state of appreciation for all the ways they enhance each other’s lives. They live with an attitude of gratitude that prompts them to continually seek ways to make each other’s lives easier, more pleasurable, more enriched, and more fun. They do this through various acts of assistance and support, spontaneously offering words of acknowledgment, kindness, and affection, as well as small gestures and physical touch that say, “I love you." In a variety of imaginative ways, they show up, remain present, notice the tiniest things, and are generous of spirit.

They know better than to take things for granted.

Even couples who have been together for 50 years or more still deserve to hear the words, “Thank you," when they do something that enhances their home or relationship. And contrary to pop culture, love does not mean never having to say you’re sorry. Partners in successful couples know, in fact, that when you love someone, you can’t help but say “I’m sorry” when you do or say something, intentionally or inadvertently, that causes them pain or distress. They notice and express appreciation for even the smallest actions because they never take their relationship for granted.

The word appreciation, of course, has two meanings—“thankful recognition” and “an increase in value." When things appreciate, they grow in value. Partners in loving relationships embody both meanings because they not only deploy expressions of thankful recognition, but, through those expressions, they increase the value of their relationship.

By taking advantage of the countless opportunities that present themselves on a daily basis to offer sincere gratitude through our words and behavior, we do more to enhance each other’s mutual well-being than giving each other anything that money can buy—literally.

Many of the people we’ve known and worked with who offer words and acts that embody a generosity of spirit weren’t always this way. They’ve learned from experience that what goes around, comes around. We refer to this understanding as enlightened self interest, or the recognition that when I do something that is intended to enhance the well-being of another, my own well-being is correspondingly enhanced. When two people in a relationship share this understanding, a positive cycle of reciprocal generosity is created, generating its own momentum and becoming self-perpetuating.

A lot of us grew up in families in which expressions of warm feelings towards others were inhibited or infrequent. Words of appreciation, acts of kindness, and other forms of support were rarely, if ever seen. Yet even if we hardly ever witnessed or received these affirmations as children, we can break the pattern of withholding and cultivate a spirit of generosity that promotes a greater willingness to share such feelings openly and spontaneously. Old habits can be broken and replaced by new ones, particularly when your intention and motivation to do so is strong.

Many of us experience feelings of gratitude and appreciation toward others more frequently than we express them. When we fail to share those feelings with the people toward whom we feel them, the feelings fade and become lost in the myriad of thoughts that constantly compete for attention in our mind. In experiencing these feelings, oursense of well-being and happiness is enriched, but an opportunity to enhance the quality of another’s well-being is lost when we fail to share our appreciation with them.

The gift of gratitude does not diminish our own happiness; it amplifies it. The more we give it away, the more we possess. Don’t take our word for it: Try it out and see for yourself. What have you got to lose?

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201511/the-words-can-make-your-relationship

8 Reasons It's So Hard to Overcome a Tough Childhood

Understanding what prevents healing can be the first step toward recovery.

Trauma experienced in childhood has a special ability to wound, especially when it includes emotional, physical or sexual abuse or neglect. The fallout echoes through the years and causes negative consequences, such as higher risks of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, PTSD, obesity, behavioral problems, and health problems such as heart disease. One study that followed hundreds of adolescents over time found that 80% of individuals who had been abused as children met the criteria for at least one psychiatric disorder at age 21.

A troubled childhood can also lead a person to alcohol and drug use as a way to numb the pain or, conversely, to feel something. Studies estimate that up to two-thirds of patients in substance use treatment have childhood histories of sexual, emotional, or physical abuse. There is much to overcome with a troubled childhood, but help is available, and a thorough understanding of what hinders healing can aid the recovery process. 

Here are 8 primary reasons why freedom from childhood trauma is difficult:

1. The traumatized person may be slow to realize the source of their pain.
   Children have no frame of reference when traumatic experiences occur, so they come to see their reality as normal, especially if their caregivers are the source of their distress. Often, it is only much later—when exposed to healthier families or when raising children of their own—that they see how damaging their childhood was. Unfortunately, the longer a person waits to get help, the tougher it becomes to heal. (If you’ve experienced childhood trauma and wonder where you fall on the spectrum, a test provided as part of the Adverse Childhood Experiences study can provide insight as well as gauge your risk of developing related health problems.)

   
   
2. Co-occurring issues can mask the true problem.
   Those who use drugs or alcohol to deal with the pain of childhood trauma may become so focused on dealing with their addiction—what is essentially a symptom of the trauma—that they never discover its source. Unless that’s done, however, they are likely to keep cycling in and out of recovery. There’s another complication to trauma-based addiction: Fellow addicts sometimes provide the sense of family missing from a person’s life.

   
   
3. The damage may also be biological.
   Scientists now know that childhood trauma can alter brain structure and change how certain genes are expressed. In a 2012 Brown University study, childhood trauma such as abuse or the loss of a parent was found to alter the programming of genes that regulate stress, boosting the risk of developing issues such as anxiety and depression. Trauma-induced brain changes, according to a 2013 study, have been linked to a diminished ability to moderate negative impulses. Childhood trauma can also affect the brain’s neurotransmitters, boosting the reward felt when drugs or alcohol are used—and making dependence more likely. These new understandings highlight the difficulties of overcoming childhood trauma, but they are also leading the way to targeted therapies and medications.

   
   
4. Overcoming the past may mean remembering it.
   Some find the concept of revisiting the past too painful. Others may be willing but find it impossible to sort out the jumble of childhood impressions. Often all that remains is a floating sense of anxiety. Pain becomes tough to eliminate when its source cannot be pinpointed.

   
   
5. Closure can be elusive.
   Oftentimes, getting those responsible for trauma to accept responsibility for their role in a painful past is impossible. They may no longer be alive by the time the traumatized person comes to understand the source of their distress or feel ready to address it. It can be tough to accept that an abuser will never be held accountable for his or her actions, or that there is no hope of ever developing a healthier relationship.

   
   
6. Answers may be sought in others rather than themselves.
   Often a person attempts to find in others what was missing from their life in an attempt to fix the past. Or they may become an approval-seeker who will go to any lengths to keep the peace or earn the love of others. Rather than valuing their own needs, they spend their energy trying to become worthy of others’ affection, often enduring further abuse in the process.

   
   
7. Emotions may be closed off.
   In some cases, caring becomes too dangerous for the child, so they numb themselves to feeling. This not only damages their ability to build healthy relationships, but it also complicates later attempts to access the emotions needed for healing.

   
   
8. It can be hard to silence the inner voices.
   Children buy into all the things they are told about themselves. If those things are negative—that they are worthless, lazy, stupid, ugly, a failure, or will never measure up to a sibling—it can leave them feeling both unworthy of a better life and powerless to change.

Source: Stefano Cavoretto/Shutterstock

While each of these scdenarios  challenges healing, none precludes it. For many, treatment and therapy can dramatically improve quality of life—among them, techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy, which can change negative thought patterns, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), a form of psychotherapy that can help a person retrieve, process and resolve past traumas.

Additional techniques and medications are on the horizon as research increases our understanding of trauma’s effects on the mind and body. We may one day, for example, be able to simply block bad memories associated with trauma, research suggests.

Also encouraging is that researchers and therapists are coming to understand that there is a small silver lining to negative experiences: They can sometimes boost resilience. Carrying an ugly burden from the past can weigh a person down, but it can also make them stronger.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/where-science-meets-the-steps/201505/8-reasons-its-so-hard-overcome-tough-childhood

7 Tips to Get Rid of Social Anxiety

I sat at the end of the sofa. This is the spot I’d been in all night watching people move around the room, and listening to whomever chose to sit next to me talk. This is how I used to inhibit a party. Motionless and quiet, waiting for just the right moment to hurry home.

This was not just my way of dealing with parties. It reflected the way I dealt with much of my life. Too afraid to show the world who I really was, I’d try my best to stay quiet and still. Don’t say too much. Don’t laugh too loudly. Don’t let them know you are anxious. Don’t let them notice that you are different.

Do you ever think you might be the only one whose heart races at the thought of going to a large social gathering? Do you ever wonder if anyone else’s voice shakes when too many people are listening to her talk? Do you ever feel like you’re the only one who would rather not attend a party?

For much of my life I thought I was the only one. Then one day I noticed the slight unsureness in the voice of an acquaintance as he addressed the room at a social event, and I thought maybe he feels it too. I noticed it again as I sat in a fast food restaurant alone eating and I saw a woman I worked with pull into the drive through window to order her lunch and pull into a parking space to sit alone in her car eating. I wondered if she felt it too?

I was an anxious, scared child who grew up to be an anxious, scared adult. The source of much of my anxiety was dealing with social situations.

When you have social anxiety you can feel like you’re alone? Other people put on such brave faces you might wonder how they do it. You might assume that they have never experienced this before, but more people are anxious in social situations than you realize.

My natural tendency is to become a kind of recluse. I could stay in the house for days and see no one and be fine with that. That life is easy, and safe, and tempting to me, but it is too easy. With such ease comes unhappiness.

As human beings we need to be challenged. The pursuit of true happiness requires that we stretch and grow to push ourselves just a bit further than we ever have before. That need to grow and push myself is why I started trying to work my way past my social anxieties.

At first I simply tried to will myself to feel more at ease around people. I made goals to engage in more conversation, but that just made me feel stressed and sad. I was fighting my introverted nature too much. There is nothing wrong with being quiet, as long as that quiet doesn’t come from a place of shame.

I realized that I had to work on my confidence first. Being an introvert wasn’t really the problem. The problem was not feeling like I was good enough. Here are some ways you can build your confidence in life in general and help you rid yourself of social anxiety.

Accept who you are. We are all different. Some of us are extroverts and some are introverts. In our society, it seems as though being an extrovert is more desirable, but in reality both introverts and extroverts are necessary. One is not better than the other. They are simply different.

As an introvert you’re keeping company with the likes of Bill Gate, Albert Einstein, JK Rowling, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Audrey Hepburn and countless others. Being an introvert doesn’t mean you have a disadvantage in life. If you don’t have a lot to say in a conversation that’s fine. Most people really want to be listened too anyway, and you can be a very good listener.

Challenge yourself. Like I said before we need to learn and grow to be happy. Try new experiences. Learn about a new subject. Challenge your fears.

I was very much afraid of speaking in public so I decided to join a Toastmasters group. The first speech I made was terrifying, but it’s gotten easier with time. Now I feel much more confident about my ability to speak in front of others.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Yes, sometimes we have good reasons to feel afraid, but social situations aren’t usually one of them. Putting myself in a situation where I was speaking in front of a group on a regular basis helped me tremendously. I can’t say that I’m no longer afraid of speaking in public, but I am a lot more comfortable with that nervous feeling that speaking in public gives me. I know it well and am able to ride it out.

Be mindful and present. Pay attention to what’s going on around you. A lot of the times anxiety consists of worrying about things that haven’t happened yet and may never happen. Pay attention to the moment and let the future happen. Being present in the moment will help you interact much more effectively with others.

Dress the part. Wearing clothes that make you feel good actually gives you a boost in confidence. Wear clothes that you really like. I used to have a closet of clothes I didn’t like. Then I realized that dressing differently naturally made me stand up a bit straighter and feel better about myself.

Visualize. When you’re feeling anxious about a social situation normally you sit about thinking about how it could go horribly wrong before the event. Stop that. Start doing just the opposite. Visualize how it could go incredibly well.

Realize you’re not the only one. There are lots of people who feel a bit anxious in social situations. I’m sure you’re not the only one in the room.

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/7-tips-get-rid-social-anxiety/

10 Things You Should Never Put Up With

Many of us have learnt to go through life, ‘putting up’ with things. Aside from the obvious negatives that we have to grin and bear in life, such as bad weather, traffic jams or paying taxes, there is no reason for the grey fog of ‘tolerance’ that we have allowed to settle over our lives.

Our tolerance to the intolerable has spread into every area of our lives. We tolerate unhealthy relationships, we put up with careers that leave us practically sobbing every time the alarm goes off in the morning. Worst off all; we make do with a life void of passion or any fun.

As a society, we seem to have adopted this ‘make do’ attitude in the belief that life is hard. Mistakenly believing that nobody ever gets everything their own way, and in order to enjoy happiness in one way, we must sacrifice it in lots of others. This belief is not only depressing, but also very much unfounded. The world is there for our pleasure and enjoyment. We are not meant to trudge drearily through life, but to excel in it!

Throw away your ‘put up, shut up’ attitude at once! Remember, every moment of your life is not to be tolerated but thrived in and enjoyed. Start living your life today in the best way for you and take a look at the list below, to see if you recognise any of the things that you have been wrongly ‘putting up’ with.

1. A Life Without Passion

How can we recognise a life lived without passion? When we are living passionlessly, our lives can seem difficult; nothing comes to us easily, we are depleted of energy, we rarely experience moments of true happiness and we doubt our abilities and choices. A life lived with passion on the other hand, is one full of fun and joy! We feel good about our choices and confident in what we do – good things effortlessly come our way. As you can see, the differences between a life lived with passion and one without are huge. Living a life aligned with your passions is one of the most important things that you can ever do. So, live a life that you love and all of life’s doors will open to you.

2. Damaging Relationships

Damaging or draining relationships should have no part in your life. We are who we surround ourselves with – therefore, we should only surround ourselves with those that uplift, inspire, support, encourage and love us. If you are currently harbouring relationships in your life that leave you unhappy, worthless or exhausted then you need to let them go. Sometimes, cutting all ties with someone may seem like an incredibly hard or even impossible thing to do. More often than not, we will worry about hurting the other person’s feelings by letting them go, regardless of how they may make us feel. But ask yourself – do you love yourself more than this relationship? You should do. You are the most important person in your life, and in order to be happy and succeed you need relationships that nurture and support you.

3. Clutter

In a consumerist society, we have become the kings and queens of clutter! We shop to pass the time, to keep up with the latest fashions and fads; but most importantly of all, we shop to distract ourselves from our troubles. The problem with being a shopaholic nation is that with time, our purchases turn from something that we once enjoyed to unnecessary clutter that is forever getting in our way. A cluttered environment does indeed mean a cluttered mind. So, throw away your stuff. As that is exactly all that it is – stuff. Once it is out of your way, you can once again have the energy to get creative and motivated for more important purposes.

4. A Life Without Fun

What is your fun to work balance looking like at the moment? If the scales are tipping more towards work and responsibility, then its time you started living a little! Career and financial status may be of great importance to you, but once you begin to let your ‘play time’ slip into non-existence, you can soon begin to feel the repercussions. Life is there for our enjoyment. Be sure to invest enough time into you and your sense of fun; laugh often with friends, spend time enjoying your passions, travel. Fill your days with fun and you will find that you become more productive in other areas of your life.

5. Excuses

What is worse, the regret of failure or the regret of never trying? Sometimes when we take a chance on something we fail; however, it is from these failures that we learn important life lessons that help us to succeed the next time we try. Alternatively, when we never give something a go, all we are left with are the ‘what ifs?’ and the ‘should of, would of, could of’s’. If a fear of failure or change has been holding you back now for quite some time, it is time to start chucking out the excuses. Excuses can get you absolutely nowhere in life, they only hold you back. Make a decision today – say ‘no more!’ to excuses and begin pushing yourself to greater things.

6. Bad Health

Our bodies are the only thing in this world that we are born with and will die with. It is what permits us to enjoy this one-off opportunity known as life and do the things that make us happy. Therefore, when we abuse or misuse our bodies with junk food, cigarettes, excessive amounts of alcohol, drugs or lack of exercise – we begin to look and feel bad, preventing us from living life to its fullest. There are so many chances that your body can offer you before the damage is irreversible. Therefore, treat your body like the temple that it is. Imagine that there are no tomorrows and start taking better care of yourself, today.

7. Negativity

If you want to enjoy your day to day life in positivity, and with a great big smile on your face – then you should show absolute zero tolerance towards negativity. When we allow negativity into our lives or thoughts, we leave ourselves no room for creativity or successful thinking. The energy of our thoughts and emotions directly impact what we come to experience in our day to day lives. So, try and turn a blind eye to any negativity that tries to permeate your mind. Instead, turn your attention to the things, people, places and past times that uplift and fill you with positivity.

8. An Unfulfilling Career

We spend the majority of our lives working, so why waste that time doing something that makes us unhappy? It is because our work consumes such a large portion of our time, that it can have such a dramatic impact on all other areas of our life; our relationships, our health, our finances. So, when we get our job choices wrong, other areas of our life can begin to go wrong too. We all have to make certain career choices out of necessity at some point or other during our lives. However, if you have had to settle for a job role that you find unfulfilling in order to pay the bills, then just be sure that you have a plan of action ready for when your next opportunity arises. Don’t settle for anything less than what you love. A happy and fulfilling career is usually possible when we work with our passions. If this is impossible for now, make the necessary changes to ensure that you are ready for when it is possible.

9. Financial Worries

As anybody suffering with money worries would tell you – financial problems can turn your life upside down. It is an unfortunate fact that money does help the world to go round. Or rather, it can help you to do the things that you want without stress or worry. If you want to live a happy life of non-existent stress, then your financial worries have to go. Yes, cash flow problems tend to be an unavoidable part of life. However, it is your attitude to these occasional money blips that can mean the difference between you tearing your hair out or enjoying a comfortable state of Zen-like bliss.

If you have financial worries – relax. There is nothing too big that you cannot handle. Get a part-time job, sell some of your unused stuff, and begin applying for higher paid jobs. Some things in life are not worth the stress.

10. Living Outside Of Your Values

Are you currently living your truth? A life without integrity to yourself or your values is always going to be an unhappy one. When we make the mistake of living outside of our values, we find ourselves continually fighting an uphill batter – nothing comes easily, we feel guilty, our energy and happiness deflates dramatically. It is only when we choose to live in alignment with who we truly are and what we value most in life, that we become the very best that we can be and enjoy true happiness.

http://www.thelawofattraction.com/10-things-you-should-never-put-up-with/

Forgiving Your Partner Is as Good for You as It Is for Them ...

... while sticking to punishment just punishes you both.

There are a few very human reasons that couples have a hard time forgiving each other for mistakes, big or small.

One is a deep sense of injustice, and an accompanying desire to set the scales right. Most of us keep mental ledgers in our relationships—tallies of who did what for whom, whose needs were met at which time, and how long it took the other to reciprocate. The point of the ledger is to maintain some approximate sense of equity. If one person screws up, it sets the balance of justice off, sometimes seemingly irreparably.

One way to deal with this sense of injustice is to make your partner pay—to exact some kind of emotional price. This may come by freezing the other person out, or withholding affection or even verbal contact. It may also come by treating them as a punching bag and making them suffer. For many people, such anger can persist for a very long time, and the perpetrator will have to deal gracefully and patiently with the anger and rejection until some inestimable point in the future when it dries up. The problem is that the anger doesn’t necessarily just dry up: Rage and vengeance exact their own price—on both parties—and create their own toxic patterns which often become self-perpetuating.

Another block to forgiveness is a sense of entitlement to pain. The hurt party justifiably feels hurt. And they have a right to take a bath in it, to feel it to its fullest. But again, once you get in that bath, it’s hard to get out. The water feels warm and consuming, the air outside cold and forbidding. There’s no logical endpoint, and the transition out of the pain is difficult to achieve.

The last reason I’ll mention—this list is not meant to be exhaustive—is the fear of being duped. What if our partner is not sorry enough? What if they don’t fully understand the cost of their mistake? What if we forgive them too soon, or the ease with which we forgive implicitly condones their behavior? Often people treat their partners like they would their children, operating from a principle of an apt punishment that is intended to instill an appropriate sense of remorse. This principle, however, denies that the remorse will exist without the punishment. It also presumes that punishment is the surest way to produce or receive remorse.

There's a problem with thinking of your forgiveness as a prize, offered at great personal cost to the person who wronged you when they’re adequately deserving of it. For one, it’s hard to adequately quantify “deserving.” Does it kick in after a certain amount of apologizing? Does it require various kinds of penance or finding ways to make it up to us? Does it come from the verbal expression of regret? How do we decide how much remorse is enough?

It’s also hard to be sure that we have an accurate sense of how sorry a person actually is. Mistakes often set off a chain reaction of defensiveness, a series of attacks and counter-attacks that seem to require self-defense.

And we rarely consider the ways in which forgiveness can be self-serving, helping us get more of what we want from our relationship rather than less.

One of the hardest things I have to convince couples of in therapy is that the things that would make them feel better and more satisfied are often counter-intuitive: Indulging anger, carrying resentment, and disengaging from a partner can all feel intuitive (in the sense of being true to our feelings) and in line with our interests.

But the research suggests otherwise.

Several studies have found that forgiveness is a route to healing one’s own emotional injuries, that it facilitates a process of mutual empathy, fosters relational resilience, and strengthens (rather than weakens) relationships overall (Aalgaard, Bolen, & Nugent, 2015; Meneses & Greenberg, 2015).

It’s hard to convince a wronged person that they have a responsibility to help heal a relationship from a betrayal or mistake they didn’t commit. But relationships are by definition comprised of more than one person. Their life blood is the patterns those people create and perpetuate. And each person’s self-interests become inextricably tied to the relational patterns they participate in.

The process by which forgiveness generally occurs represents the ultimate relational pattern. Shame (on the part of the injurer) seems to be key to forgiveness (Meneses & Greenberg, 2014). To disclose shame, a person needs to be vulnerable. And to be vulnerable, a relationship needs to provide conducive conditions—partners willing and able to listen deeply, understand, suspend judgment, and work on lowering their own reactivity. That is to say, vulnerability (and the disclosure of shame) seems to emerge when you have a partner, or a relationship, that provides enough safety to give you the confidence to take such an emotional risk.

Hopefully you see my point. Relationships are big circles, with each partner informing the direction of the spin at every point. An angry, hurt, and rejecting partner offers anger and hurt, which initiates a reaction to that anger and hurt, which may in turn initiate a counter-reaction to that reaction. Alternatively, an angry and hurt partner who tries to slow down, to understand more fully, creates a space for a more vulnerable reaction, perhaps a disclosure of shame, which allows the angry or hurt partner to perhaps feel empathy, which perhaps enables them to offer forgiveness and take the relationship in a more positive direction.

At least from a rational perspective, none of the blocks to forgiveness produce cycles that end well for anyone.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/encountering-america/201512/forgiving-your-partner-is-good-you-it-is-them

10 Powerful Life Lessons From The Alchemist

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho is one of the bestselling books in history, with over 65 million copies in 56 different languages.

The story of Santiago, the shepherd boy on a journey to realize his “Personal Legend” has inspired people all over the world to live their dreams.

Here are ten of the most popular passages and lessons to apply to your life:

1. Fear is a bigger obstacle than the obstacle itself.

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”

Any new pursuit requires entering uncharted territory — that’s scary. But with any great risk comes great reward. The experiences you gain in pursuing your dream will make it all worthwhile.

2. What is “true” will always endure.

“If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.”

Truth cannot be veiled by smoke and mirrors — it will always stand firm. When you’re searching for the “right” decision, it will be the one that withstands the tests of time and the weight of scrutiny.

3. Break the monotony.

“When each day is the same as the next, it’s because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises.”

Gratitude is the practice of finding the good in each day. Life can easily become stagnant, mundane, and monotonous, but that changes depending on what we choose to see. There’s always a silver lining, if you look for it.

4. Embrace the present.

“Because I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man.”

There’s no point dwelling in the past and letting it define you, nor getting lost and anxious about the future. But in the present moment, you’re in the field of possibility — how you engage with the present moment will direct your life.

5. Your success has a ripple-effect.

“That’s what alchemists do. They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too.”

Growth, change, and evolution are weaved into the fabric of reality. Becoming a better version of yourself creates a ripple effect that benefits everything around you: your lifestyle, your family, your friends, your community.

6. Make the decision.

“When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he has never dreamed of when he first made the decision.”

It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the unknowns and finer details of your dreams. Actions will flow out of having confidence in your decision; sitting on the fence will get you nowhere.

7. Be unrealistic.

“I see the world in terms of what I would like to see happen, not what actually does.”

Some of the greatest inventions would not have happened if people chose to accept the world as it is. Great achievements and innovations begin with a mindset that ignores the impossible.

8. Keep getting back up.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”

Because the eighth time could be your breakthrough. Some of the greatest novels in history were published after receiving hundreds of rejections. Thankfully, those authors never gave up.

9. Focus on your own journey.

“If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”

It’s easy to be influenced by others, but you’ll be miserable if you end up living someone else’s life. There’s nothing wrong with taking advice and learning from others, but make sure it aligns with your desires and passions.

10. Always take action.

“There is only one way to learn. It’s through action.”

You can study, read, and listen until you turn blue in the face, but the full experience is when you take action, and let the rubber meet the road. Once you’re done aiming, pull the trigger.

http://www.finerminds.com/personal-growth/10-powerful-lessons-from-the-alchemist

Why You Have Mixed Emotions, Even at Happy Times

Research into why we can't fully embrace happiness (and why it's OK).

Think about the happiest moments in your life, whether with family, on your own, or enjoying a huge success at work. In all honesty, as good as those times were, were you ever truly overwhelmed with 100% pure joy? Let's say you’re having a romantic moment with your partner, feeling perhaps more love than you’ve ever felt in your life. Are you happy? For sure. However, can you state with certainty that no emotions of sadness were in your consciousness? Or that a part of your mind didn't wander off to the fact that tomorrow you've got to go out of town? Or that the thought didn't creep into your awareness that the moment would inevitably end soon?

Welcome to the world of mixed emotions.

There’s a theory that the only way to maximize well-being is by being consistently happy. Some countries even use happiness indicators to measure how well their political and economic systems are working out for their citizens. Happiness researchers tell us that even though we look forward to major life events such as getting married and having children, when we actually experience them we are inevitably disappointed—and that’s bad.  (No matter that it's hard to imagine how anyone would truly be in ecstasy every time a diaper needed changing.)

Obviously, there’s more to life than simple happiness. As I’ve found in my own research, fulfillment doesn’t always equal happiness. You can be completely miserable on any given day but still feel that you’re working toward achieving important goals that will promote your fulfillment. Sure, a diaper may not be fun to change, but that little person gives you a deeper sense of pleasure than all the carefree nights you’ve spent out with your friends. That person needing your care doesn’t have to be little, either. Research on care-giving in later adulthood shows that as stressful as it can be, those who provide assistance to spouses or relatives often report feeling higher levels of subjective well-being than happiness theory would predict (e.g. van Campen et al., 2013).

It’s quite likely that we need to learn over the course of our lives that happiness isn’t the be-all and end-all of feeling reasonably satisfied with our experiences. Further, we also learn that it’s pretty difficult to feel 100% happy, so we come to accept the particular blend of joy and sadness that many of life’s moments provide. According to Differential Emotions Theory, with age and experience, our thoughts and feelings become more complex and elaborated. Our appreciation for the subtleties of experiences and events allows us to live more comfortably with the fact that nothing is ever 100% positive or negative.

The University of Southern California’s Stefan Schneider and Arthur Stone (2015) tested for the presence of mixed emotions by age group using two nationally representative survey panels of individuals living in the United States aged 15 to 90. They asked participants to recall the events of the previous day and then to rate three of those events for happiness using two different rating scales. One scale posed the question: “From 0 to 6, how (happy/sad) did you feel during this time?” The second scale used a slightly different prompt: “From 0 to 6, where a 0 means you were not (happy/sad) at all and a 6 means you were very (happy/sad), how (happy/sad) did you feel during this time?”

These questions produced ratings of nearly 50,000 events averaging slightly over two hours apiece in one sample and about one hour apiece in the second. Overall, people were happier than they were sad during these episodes. The real questions of interest would be how mixed people’s emotions would be, and whether there would be regular patterns relating mixed emotions to age.

To get these answers, Schneider and Stone had to devise a way to define “mixed” emotions. They posed three options:

• In the first, called covariation, mixed emotions would show up as a statistical measure of how far from a -1 each individual’s ratings would be. If you’re high in mixed emotions using this measure, your positive ratings don't relate very well to your ratings of negative emotions.
• The second measure of mixed emotions uses ambivalence as the defining feature. The more you’re both negative and positive in rating a given episode, the more mixed your emotions.
• Finally, you can be simply classified into a combination of high-low categories where you would be happy overall, sad overall, high on both happiness and sadness overall (truly mixed), or just low on both dimensions.

It turned out that the exact definition of mixed emotions didn't make much of a difference in the findings. The results showed a small but clearly discernible pattern with age. The older the participant, the greater the chances of showing up on the mixed emotion side of the equation. This finding held even after controlling for other factors related to age, such as retirement and disability. In other words, however you define it, and regardless of objective circumstances, older people seem to be more capable of seeing life’s experiences from all possible angles.

These findings should give you hope about your own ability to cope with life’s complexities. If part of you becomes demoralized when the joy you feel from positive events becomes slightly dampened by something else going wrong, the USC study shows that this is perfectly normal. The older you get, the better able you should be, based on this study, at accepting this reality. As that wise observer of human nature, Matt Groening, noted, “'The Simpsons' is about alienation and the ambivalence of living with a family who you love but who drive you completely crazy.”

The idea of loving your family but being driven “crazy” by them may just be one of those realities we become increasingly able to accept as we get older. It may be that happy-sad combination that will allow you to experience the true fulfillment that comes from accepting life’s highs, lows, and everything in between.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201512/why-you-have-mixed-emotions-even-happy-times