How to Say No, Even When You're Afraid To

Sometimes, saying no is the easiest thing in the world. You speak honestly and communicate clearly. As a result, you exercise a lot of positive control over your life and your time.

But sometimes the word gets caught in your throat. Breathing gets hard. You're just scared to death to say no.

How do you handle this now? Here's a quick quiz to help you understand how you might approach this stressful situation. Try jotting down how often you resort to each of these actions, using "0" for "never" and 5 for "always":

"When I feel afraid to say "no", I:

____ Put it off until the ideal time, which is never.

____ Trash myself for being fearful.

____ Fume over how impossible the other person is.

___   Push past my fears and charge blindly ahead.

___   Imply that my refusal is the other person's fault.

____ TOTAL

If your score is 0-5, saying no is not a big problem (unless you've figured out a self-defeating strategy that we missed!)

But what if your score is higher? In that case, your reluctance to say no probably hurts you even more than you know. Resentments simmer, and relationships and self-esteem suffer. Over time, anxieties compound. Paralyzing fear takes quite a toll.

There's another way to handle this impasse. You must break outworn promises you made to yourself long ago!

Start by asking yourself 3 powerful questions. Ask them as often as you need to. Let the answers bubble up, and listen to each response. They will be chock full of useful information for you!

Ask yourself:

1. Where did your fear of saying no originate? It's helpful to identify how much stronger and more autonomous you are now.

2. How did you believe silence made you safe? Give some thought to how circumstances have changed.

3. How does this trap you now? Seeing all the ways your old promise to yourself holds you back helps you replace your outworn approach with a more appropriate one.

The less you judge yourself for your fear, the more readily you'll overcome it.

So now:

* Forgive yourself for your reluctance to take risks.

* Gently affirm that those old promises to never take major risks need to be broken.

* Commit to carry the best of you forward, and list ways you might do that.

It's so exciting to build the strengths and internal structures to foster your autonomy!

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