Why Am I So Angry All the Time?

Ever wonder why something that normally causes only minor irritation, like our kids arguing with us, suddenly causes a blow up?

When we are grumpy, moody, testy, or irritated with someone (or seemingly everyone) it's generally an indication that we have an unmet need.

In relationships this will often show up when we feel our partner is not giving us something we need. Often we are either unaware of our own feelings or don't feel like we can ask for what we need because that would make us "selfish" or any number of other reasons.

"How can I ask my husband to help with the kids when he is putting in twelve-hour days?" or, "It makes me feel needy when I nag him for affection, yet I feel so unloved." The feelings of not getting enough support don't go away just because we feel we "shouldn't" have them, and resentment builds.

Often coping mechanisms like shopping, overeating, alcohol, or any other overindulgent behavior can mask these symptoms, but the problem is still there, and in time, it can really damage or destroy our relationships.

So what do we do? Well, sometimes this problem is bigger than can be resolved with just a day at the spa. Usually the best solution starts with something many of us find extremely difficult, like asking for what we need. We often don't ask because we fear an argument, rejection or have asked so many times without getting what we want that we have simply given up. In all cases, ask anyway; it helps us feel that our voice is being heard, and it helps us feel respectful of our own needs even if we don't get what we want.

Next, work on first identifying what we really need (love, support, connection), then figure out how to give it to ourselves. We might really need a day at the spa, always a good idea, since everyone needs a massage; or we might handle a need for connection by making new friends at a meetup.com event or by doing charity work. It might not be exactly what we most want, especially if we are feeling neglected in our relationship, but it will help. Sometimes couple's counseling can really help us learn to communicate better.

All of these changes start by asking ourselves "what's really going on?" and listening with and connecting to how we feel. Trust me, if we are yelling at the checkout clerk at the grocery store for giving us the wrong change, it probably has nothing to do with them. Love yourself enough to take the time to feed your real internal hungers and do what you can to get your needs met. You are totally worth it.

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