In the beginning, I was just an ordinary child.
Nobody suspected that I would become what I am today, that Wyrd eccentric, the loud, opinionated freak in conventional clothes.
I truly doubt anyone would want to follow in my footsteps, but since stranger things have happened, here goes a method-admittedly not fool proof - to becoming that odd creature, the one that freezes smiles on saintly matron's faces, the one that men can't get far away from fast enough - except one, bless his sweet, Scottish heart... -, the one that smashes the expectations of those who can't see beyond the tip of their nose to smithereens.
So without further ado, but with a grain of salt, I'll launch myself headfirst into the Method of Green Dog Development.
1. To truly grasp the concept of what a Green Dog is, I'll give you a description. Think of a herd of cows,... do you see it in your mind? They're grazing on a field. It's a sunny day... everything is perfect. All of a sudden, they hear a bark,... and they look around expecting to see a dog. And yes, It's a dog, but, the color?? Green... no, it must be a frog. Dogs aren't green... But the strange dog-like creature barks again... it barks, thus It's a dog. It sits patiently down and says " hello!". Shocking!! It tells them stories and amuses them with its witty tales. Everything's going fine until one cow realizes that the dog is not only green, but It's got some pretty strange ideas.
- Hey you, dog, or whatever you are... you don't exist, you can't exist... dogs aren't green and they don't tell stories like yours.
- Don't you like my stories? Do they offend you in any way? - replies the dog with a smile.
- Well... no... But you can't be real!! Dogs aren't green! I'm leaving, you're too weird.
So the cow turns away and the others huddle together and start to inch back from the dog.
- Oh, please... think... why would I hurt you?... hey, don't leave, please, I like telling you my stories. We're not so different you know.
The cows start turning and almost stampeding in their haste to get away from the strange being who dared to defy what was established as true. So the Green Dog is left alone in the field, barking absurdities.
Are you still there? Wow, you're brave! I would have left by now if it wasn't that I can't just up and leave myself! Now that we have a definition, I'll tell you what... Go get yourself a cup of coffee or tea, my treat. You'll need it.
2. How do you go about the fastidious task of becoming a Green Dog? Well, I've got news for you: you already may be a Green Dog inside, only you probably don't know. The Green Dog is the little voice inside that we hear in our heads when we want to say something we know will set us apart from that most comfortable place, Conventionalia.
You know how it goes. A neighbour starts bragging about how awesome their new car is and you feel the urge to jump in and tell them that they'd be better off buying a bike and doing something about that paunch of theirs. You don't REALLY say it, but you have to bite your tongue. You distract yourself with thoughts about the latest book you've read, which they've probably never even heard about. And that's where the Green Dog takes over. You take advantage of a pause in their monologue, that you didn't sign up for and mostly didn't hear, to state that you find Sartre fascinating, or that Robert Burns' Red, Red Rose moves you to tears. The look of utter disbelief on their face means that you have just entered the category of Green Dog. You can then expect either an accusation of extreme impoliteness or an exclamation of bewilderment.
Keep it coming, Oh, Wyrd One, and you'll get yourself a reputation for a wide variety of labels such as odd, strange, aloof, politically incorrect, unbearable snob, idiot, lackey of the extreme left (I know, I know... but it DID happen to me for questioning things I shoulda known not to... ),foolish, unnatural mother (??), pretentious, and an assortment of looks that would make a zombie stop dead in its tracks.
3. This one is easy: repeat Step 2 often, and you'll see your Green Dog chase the more conventional souls out of your way, far and fast. You'll experience moments of total bliss as it rids you of social events that hassle most other people, like family reunions, weddings, christenings, soccer mom or dad get-togethers, etc. The downside is that unless you're lucky enough to have a few - VERY few - close friends and/or family, you won't have ANY social life. Being a Green Dog is not for the faint of heart.
4. Reject conventions that don't do you any good, or that you don't understand, or that you simply oppose because you find them morally dubious. Make sure you do so often and without any sign of remorse or concern for the outcome. Stand your ground. Got it? Congratulations, you just made it to the next level of Green Dog expertise. You can be sure that by now, whoever has stuck with you will most probably be there for the long haul.
5. Finally, do a 180ยบ change in your life and watch the reactions. Some may applaud. Make sure you get their numbers if you don't yet have them and they're still there after a few weeks.
Some will tell you you're crazy straight out. If you can't find an adequate phrase to counter them, just smile and slowly turn and walk away.
Most will be too cowardly to say anything, but will disappear like a wrestler's deodorant - fast.
Then there's the weasels, who'll try to get you to trust them with your secrets to gain status with the leaders of Conventionalia.
(For your information, you're admired and detested in equal measure, and also feared. However, the leaders will not want to get their hands dirty being too close to you, so they will rely on their agents, the weasels.)
If you've read this far, thank you and congratulations! I hope I've given you an insight into the Wyrd World of Green Dog Development. If you feel in any way reflected by these lines, well, you know... we'll see each other out there and wink.
See you soon in #GreenDogRepublic.
If you liked this, head over to 'The Green Dog Chronicles. My life in Navia' for more views and a bark or two.
http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Art-of-Being-a-Green-Dog---The-Method-Behind-My-Madness&id=9489239
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