Tuning In (Tips on how to be a good listener to yourself so you can be a better listener to others).

How often do you feel really listened to? How often do you really listen to others? (Be honest.)

We know we’re in the presence of a good listener when we get that sweet, affirming feeling of really being heard. But sadly it occurs all too rarely. We can’t force others to listen, but we can improve our own listening, and perhaps inspire others by doing so.

Good listening means mindful listening. Like mindfulness itself, listening takes a combination of intention and attention. The intention part is having a genuine interest in the other person—their experiences, views, feelings, and needs. The attention part is being able to stay present, open, and unbiased as we receive the other’s words—even when they don’t line up with our own ideas or desires.

Paradoxically, being good at listening to others requires the ability to listen to yourself. If you can’t recognize your own beliefs and opinions, needs and fears, you won’t have enough inner space to really hear anyone else. So the foundation for mindful listening is self-awareness.

Here are some tips to be a good listener to yourself so you can be a good listener for others.

1. Check inside: “How am I feeling just now? Is there anything getting in the way of being present for the other person?” If something is in the way, decide if it needs to be addressed first or can wait till later.

2. Feeling your own sense of presence, extend it to the other person with the intention to listen fully and openly, with interest, empathy, and mindfulness.

3. Silently note your own reactions as they arise—thoughts, feelings, judgments, memories. Then return your full attention to the speaker.

4. Reflect back what you are hearing, using the speaker’s own words when possible, paraphrasing or summarizing the main point. Help the other person feel heard.

5. Use friendly, open-ended questions to clarify your understanding and probe for more. Affirm before you differ. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view—acknowledging is not agreeing!—before introducing your own ideas, feelings, or requests.

http://www.mindful.org/tuning-in/

7 Things Mindful People Do Before 9 A.M.

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello, you who make the morning and spread it over the fields." -- Mary Oliver

When you're tired and sleep deprived, like many Americans today, mornings can often pass by in a groggy blur. But rushing to work without checking in with yourself is a waste of a precious opportunity. Each morning is a new beginning, and each sunrise brings with it an opportunity for renewal and rejuvenation. 

Instead of waking up to stress and rushing, consider how the rest of your day could go if you started it by doing something just for yourself. A spiritually refreshing morning ritual can help set you up for a day full of positivity.

Here are a few simple tips on how to create a morning routine that will nourish your soul.

• 1 Wake Up Just A Little Bit Earlier
  
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  Centering yourself in the morning takes time. Give yourself a chance to establish a good morning ritual by going to sleep earlier and waking up earlier. Pope Francis is a big fan of getting up at the crack of dawn -- his mornings begin at 4:30 a.m., which gives him plenty of time to pray and muse over his first sermon of the day. The Dalai Lama wakes up even earlier, at 3 a.m., to take a morning shower and meditate. 

  
  

  If you're a big fan of the snooze button, Huffington Post blogger Sarah Peterson, who is also a writer at Unsettle.org, has a helpful tip: to try waking up just one minute earlier every day. 

  
  

  "You'll take longer to reach your goal, but taking a few months to build the habit is better than never building it at all," she writes.
• 2 Awaken With A Prayer On Your Lips
  
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  Many religious traditions have morning prayers that believers say to give thanks for a new day. Muslims have a beautiful set of prescribed rituals and prayers. Right after awakening, some Jews say the "Modeh Ani" prayer:

  
  

  "I offer thanks to You,

  living and eternal King,

  for You have mercifully restored my soul within me;

  Your faithfulness is great."

  
  

  An awakening prayer can be just as meaningful for people who don't identify with a specific religious tradition. Gabrielle Bernstein, a best-selling author and self-described "spirit junkie," has a morning prayer that she says before opening her eyes -- "'What miracles would you have me perform today?" 

  
  

  "It just brings me right out of, 'What can I get, what do I need to do, what are my problems, what did I go to sleep worrying about?'" Bernstein said in a video about her morning ritual. "And right into 'What do you want to move through me today? How can I be of service today?"
• 3 Spend A Few Moments At Your Home Altar Or Meditation Space
  
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  Oprah Winfrey has a designated space within her house that she uses for meditation. 

  
  

  "If it’s for 1 minute, 20 seconds, or 10 minutes, I at least stop in that space in my house every morning,” Winfrey said in a video about her routine.

  
  

  Your home altar or meditation space doesn't have to be elaborate. Winfrey's space has just three candles and a few spiritual readings. You can add a devotional statue, photos of loved ones or fresh flowers.

  
  

  While you are at your altar, spend some time speaking out loud to yourself -- whether it's a prayer, a personal mantra or an expression of gratitude. There's something powerful about actually vocalizing your thoughts, instead of meditating on them silently. Pay attention as the prayer arises in your mind, forms on your tongue and resounds in your ears. 

  
  

  Laurie Lovekraft, a Los Angeles-based pagan priestess, offers a stick of incense or a lit candle at her home altar in the morning to honor her ancestors, local nature spirits and her patron deity. She also tries to spend a few minutes at her altar to give thanks.

  
  

  “My home is dedicated to the Greek god Hermes, so I’ll draw His symbol in the air with the incense and say 'Hail Hermes' before stepping away to brew coffee,” she told The Huffington Post. “Giving thanks feels good and is a potent way to slow down and appreciate what we already have and what we want to create next.”
• 4 Move Your Body
  
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  Whether it’s running outside or taking the dog for a walk, take some time to move your body in the morning. 

  
  

  After his early morning wake up time, the Dalai Lama is known to take a short walk around his residence in Dharamsala, India. If it’s raining, he uses a treadmill instead.

  
  

  Movement is a vital part of starting out the day, says Cassi Christiansen, a leadership coach with the Oregon-based coaching company Ulumination.

  
  

  “Our hearts and souls are connected to our bodies and they love to be stretched, cherished, nourished and loved,” Christiansen said. “Do a quick child’s pose to surrender yourself to the day, or a mountain pose to let the day know you are ready to take it on, or take a little longer walk to the bus to give you time to reflect.”
• 5 Savor Nature
  
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  Imagine this: You get up, jump in the car or subway and scramble into your office. By the time your workday is over -- especially during the winter months -- the last of the sun’s rays have disappeared from the sky. How many days do we let go by without enjoying the great gift of nature? 

  
  

  There are simple ways to incorporate nature into your early morning ritual, says Diana Long, a professional life coach based in Ohio.

  
  

  “Enjoy your coffee sitting on the porch.  Watching a minute or two of the sun coming up is an instant uplift to your energy and sets the tone for a positive start to the day,” Long told HuffPost. “Even in chillier climates, bundling up and walking outside with a steaming mug of tea [or] letting the dog out gives us a precious sliver of time to take pause and soak in the beauty that is right before us. Even our everyday routines can be transformed into holy moments!”
• 6 Listen To Music
  If you have trouble getting up early or finding time meditate, music is an easy way to center yourself.

  
  

  Music helped Reba Riley, a writer and spiritual sojourner who spend a year exploring different religions, accomplish the goals she set for herself. While writing her book Post-Traumatic Church Syndrome, Riley said that she would meditate on positive, inspirational music in the mornings.

  
  

  She told HuffPost, “Choose a song that brings out the emotions you want to take throughout your day--like peace, happiness, or empowerment. (I currently use “Roar” by Katy Perry and “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten.) Listen to the song once with your eyes closed and really concentrate on the feelings the music creates. Then listen to the song a second time while visualizing yourself tackling the tasks of your day and achieving your goals.”

  
  

  Kathleen Theriot, a Christian life coach from Louisiana, used a similar technique when she was a single mother raising children and working full-time.

  
  

  “Mornings were the worst, so much to do and so little time. Getting up earlier to spend time alone in meditation, journaling or prayer was just impossible, no matter how hard I tried,” Theriot said. “ What I decided to do was this – I turned off the TV, radio, etc. and put on either instrumental or chant type music. I played it all over the house from the time we woke up until it was time to leave the house.  Of course, my kids rolled their eyes, but the music succeeded in calming all of us, clearing our minds and allowing us to get ready with some sense of peace among us.”

  
  

  One of Theriot’s favorite things to listen to in the mornings is the ethereal music of Hildegard von Bingen, a medieval nun.

  
  
• 7 Tune In To The World
  
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  According to the writer Pico Iyer, a longtime friend of the Dalai Lama, the Tibetan Buddhist leader makes it a point to listen to the news every morning -- even during meditation. The Dalai Lama’s favorite programs are reportedly Voice of America, the BBC East Asian broadcast and the BBC World Service. 

  
  

  It may seem that this practice isn’t spiritually nourishing -- the news is often filled with messages of suffering, war and injustice. But the key is in how you listen.

  
  

  Iyer said that the Dalai Lama’s desire to learn about what is happening in the world reminds him of how the Buddha is often depicted with his right hand touching the earth. 

  
  

  The gesture is a powerful message that all life on earth is inextricably linked. It’s a reminder to let go of the idea that your neighbor’s welfare is somehow disconnected from your own.

  
  

  So spend time in the morning listening to the news that is affecting the world and make a pledge to do your part in spreading kindness.
• http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/spiritual-morning-practices_us_56902169e4b0cad15e64cf37

How To Change Your Life, Even If You're Terrified To Do It

I spent my twenties in a career that I thought I wanted, but eventually it suffocated my soul. I was climbing the corporate ladder in advertising, but my life lacked real passion and meaning. I was terrified to change my life. I thought, “What would I do for a living? Everything I worked for led me here; this is what I wanted. Now, I have to tough it out and go through the motions.”

I continued this path until I couldn’t ignore the truth any longer. It took a formal diagnosis of clinical depression for me to wake up and see that I needed a change.

Flash-forward to today: I am living my dream life as a writer, coach, and course leader. I am depression-free, and I live a life with passion and purpose.

It can be terrifying to move forward and make a change. I get it. I’ve been there. But the reality is that you don’t have to change all at once. All you have to do is be brave enough to make one small change, one day, one moment at a time. Courage is what will pull you into a happier life.

There are certain small steps you can take today to help you change your life and make a better tomorrow, right now.

It’s important to identify the difference between change and transformation. As psychotherapist Teri Cole says, “We all say we want change, but with change you can always change back. What we really want is transformation.” When you transform, you'll never go back to your old way of living. So, let’s begin our transformations with these easy steps:

1. Clear out clutter.

Stuff can pile up and add unnecessary stress to your life. Physical stuff, emotional stuff, and even mental clutter can prevent you from moving forward. Remember, one small change one step at a time can make a profound difference for you, so as Marie Kondo, author of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, suggests, ask yourself if your stuff brings you joy. If you don’t feel happy, it’s time to chuck it. This includes people, jobs, habits, and objects.

2. Nourish the nudge.

You may feel stuck, but focusing on the negative won't fix anything. If you want to truly change your life, start to pay attention to the inspiration and insights you get — nudges from our inner guide cluing us into what to do next. Even if you don’t know what you want, focus on nurturing and nourishing the nudges that come to you. This could be as simple as following through on the inspiration to go to a bookstore and get a new book, look at YouTube channels, or call a friend and ask for advice.

3. Follow your joy route.

My pivotal moment of transformation came when I decided to make joy my priority. I asked, “What brings me joy?” and made sure I did it every day. This led me to adopt a dog, who helped to pull me out of depression and inspired me to leave the corporate world and work from home. I pulled out my bucket list, updated it to include only things I really cared about, and decided to start checking things off. As I checked things off, I discovered more about my authentic self.

4. Visit your future self.

Visualizing yourself happy and healthy is a key component to manifesting. When I first left my corporate job, I would fall asleep picturing myself as a published author and a travel writer working and writing from all over the world. Today this is my reality. You have to picture it and believe it is possible in your mind before you can achieve it.

5. Find a mentor.

Finding a person you respect and admire to help light the path is key to long-term success. Look for people who have what you want — they can show you the way there. The world’s top life coaches, authors, and CEOs have mentors, coaches, and experts helping them. Mentors help us learn the way on the way, and propel us forward much faster.

If you feel stuck, paralyzed by fear, know that it will evaporate when you take action. Action brings clarity and confidence. The more action you take, the less fear you'll feel.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23409/how-to-change-your-life-even-if-youre-terrified-to-do-it.html

4 Beliefs I Had To Unlearn To Be Healthy & Happy

                                  

For most of my years, I thought life was about learning and growing. But one day as I struggled to drag myself to a yoga class, I realized there were a lot of thoughts and messages getting in the way of my living a happy, healthy life.

My parents did the best they could, but their advice often came from a place of fear, insecurity, and pride.

When I slowed down to listen to these critical, negative voices in my head, I began to realize they'd been programmed into me since childhood. And that as an adult trying to do my best, I often had to quiet or counteract these voices in order to do what I knew in my heart is the right thing for me.

In other words, just as it's important to keep learning, life can also be a series of unlearning what's been wired into us.

Perhaps this isn’t your truth. Maybe you were told you could do and be anything you wanted, and you grew up fearless, determined, motivated, and ambitious. I did not. I understand now that my parents did the best they could, but their advice often came from a place of fear, insecurity, and pride.

So if this sounds like your childhood, feel free to borrow these four examples of what I needed to unlearn so that I could live a happy, healthy life that made sense for me.

Myth #1: Food makes you happy.

Growing up, cookies, cake, ice cream, chips, and popcorn were the reward for just living life. They were the soothing touch for injuries great and small. They were the center of any gathering and the cure for boredom.

New truth: Food is meant to be savored; it's our life force, but it isn't a replacement for love or self-respect. Every single day, I'm learning new things about how important it is to feed my body the nutrients it needs to thrive, that nourishing my body in a way that works for me is more fulfilling than eating for a thrill, to eat when my body tells me to, and to stop when it says so.

Revolutionary, huh?

Myth #2: Exercise is drudgery.

I didn't come from a Kennedy-esque family who enjoyed a game of touch football on a crisp fall day. No, our cardio was shopping. Exercise was the rope climbing that was forced upon us by sadistic gym teachers. It was a chore. I dabbled in team sports from time to time but when I got bored or it became too difficult, I quit with minimal repercussions.

New truth: I actually like exercise. Sure, I get bored, but instead of quitting I move on to something else. Once boxing became old hat, I tried boot camp. After a few months of Zumba, I started Bollywood dancing. Now my passion is yoga. It’s not always easy, but it sure feels amazing, and always remembering that feeling is great motivation to keep going.

Myth #3: Isolation is good.

When bad things happened at school, my mother let me stay home the next day to avoid the people responsible. So naturally, I began to think that being alone meant being safe.

Even as an adult, if I’m feeling anxious, angry, or sad, my instinct is to find a private space and be alone for hours. But the problem with this approach is that I end up feeling crappier and even less equipped to handle people than when the day began.

New truth: What works to get me out of a slump is antithetical to almost everything I was taught: confront the issue as soon as possible, reach out and talk to a friend, exercise, get outside into the sunshine, be productive, eat well. Come out from the shadows and be part of life.

Myth #4: Asking for help makes you needy and annoying.

Whether because of pride or fear, neither of my parents ever asked for help or guidance when faced with a problem. As a result, things went unfixed, questions were never answered, and we all just white-knuckled it through the unknown.

New truth: It took decades to realize that if I enjoyed sharing my knowledge, time, and stuff with people that maybe others wouldn’t mind either. In fact,maybe they would get something out of helping me. And so, slowly I began reaching out.

If I don’t understand the topic of a dinner conversation, I ask. Whether or not the others judge me, I always learn something new. If I can’t fix something or handle a weird situation, I put out an SOS on social media or call a friend for advice. Not only do I get the help and guidance I need, the person offering that help often gets something out of the interaction as well.

It’s important for me to remember that I did learn some wonderful things growing up that still come naturally to me: laugh every day, creation is part of life, make your home warm and welcoming. But sometimes a happier, healthier life means undoing some of the well-meaning advice we were given. Figure out what works for you, and make an effort to change (or "unlearn") that which doesn't.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22901/4-beliefs-i-had-to-unlearn-to-be-healthy-happy.html

HOW TO BE 'CONFIDENT' WHEN YOU DANCE

We're digging into the mail bag again today. A question that comes up often is how to find your confidence when you dance. Gaining confidence as a dancer takes time and patience.

For me confidence in flamenco dance comes from.. 

Mastery of technique.

When you learn any dance style you are in fact learning a language of movement. This language is learnt through the study of technique. Technique is the skill that will give you control over various movements, steps and positions. With this new language you have the tools to communicate your ideas and emotions to an audience. 

Practice of good technique will also enable you to understand how your body moves and what your strengths and weaknesses are so you can work to strengthen and improve.

How long should you practice technique for? Until you have no choice but to do a movement or step the right way.

Understanding of and connection to the music and song.

Flamenco dance is more about music and rhythm than anything else. Your confidence will come from a connection to the music and the cante. When you feel this connectedness you can dance the simplest of movements and the impact on the audience will be profound because they will be able to see you (by that I mean the you that is feeling and connecting). 

The only way is study flamenco music and listen to it everyday, make it a part of your daily practice.

Keeping it simple

If you have the opportunity to perform, keep your choreography simple. There is no need to do complicated steps if you can't actually dance them. No one watching you will be able to connect with you if all they can see is you thinking about the step you are trying to do and you will be freaking out (technical term) trying not to fall over. No chance for confidence to appear when you are trying not to fall over.

Choose movements or steps that you have mastered (see technique above) and gives you the space to feel and connect to the music.

Dancing without fear

This is the biggest way to build your confidence when you dance. You need to make a decision to dance without fear. This is the one piece of advice that I hear José give over and over again to all of his students.

When you dance with fear you stop yourself from finding your true potential as a dancer. You also make it impossible to connect to the music and any dance that you attempt will be full of the fear that you are feeling. 

If you can decide to dance without fear your confidence will grow through being able to truly embody the movement and music as well as sharing your internal experience with your audience.

You might make a mistake, but you know what? It doesn't matter. What matters more is that you have the courage to go out and give it everything you've got.

Flamenco demands courageous dancers.

Giving yourself time

As I said at the beginning of this post confidence is developed over time. Take every opportunity to practice being confident when you dance and eventually you won't have to worry about it so much. 

You can do it, you just need actually get out there and you know... do it. 

http://www.flamencobites.com/main/how-to-be-confident-when-you-danc
e

The Three Most Important Decisions You Will Ever Make

If you want to be successful in life and in business, then you need to take massive action. Before you do, however, you need to make these three important decisions.

I just returned from the Tony Robbins Business Mastery seminar, and what I'm about to share with you will change your life--but only if you take action on it. What has great advice not followed ever done for you? Right, so take the next five minutes to discover some of the greatest insights that, when acted upon, will ensure you are as wealthy and successful as you can possibly imagine.

No. 1: The Most Important Financial Decision You'll Ever Make

The most important financial decision you'll ever make is what percentage of your paycheck you will automate toward your retirement (or what I refer to as my Freedom Fund). Statistically, you have not saved nearly enough to be Financially Free. Many of us have fallen victim to the many false beliefs around retirement. Things like:

• I'm too young to worry about retirement
• I can't afford to put money aside now
• Isn't that what Social Security is for?
• My 401(k) and IRA plans will cover my needs
• I only need to put aside 10X my current salary

Pick up Money: Mastering the Game if you'd like a detailed explanation around why these and many other false beliefs have blinded you to the truth. For now, just know that you have been lured into a false sense of security and, if you're not careful, you're going to end up one of those 75-year-old Walmart greeters making minimum wage instead of enjoying your Golden Years.

To ensure you become financially free, take the salary you think you'll need and multiply it by 20. That's what you need to put away in order to live off the interest without touching your principle. To get there, you need to make the most important financial decision of your life. What percentage of your current salary do you take off the top and set aside? For me, that number is 25 percent. I know people who live off half their salaries (50 percent) and some who are taking as little as 10 percent.

But regardless of your number, you need to work with your payroll team to automate this so that you NEVER see the money. Set up a separate account and have this amount deducted from your paycheck. Think of this deduction as your wealth tax. It's what you need to do to ensure your financial freedom. Delaying this decision only hurts you, as you will miss out on the power of compounding (when invested correctly--see No. 2, below).

No. 2: The Most Important Investment Decision You'll Ever Make

Once you have made the most important financial decision, now it's time to make the most important investment decision you'll ever make. What percentage asset allocation will your investments go towards? There are two asset classes: 1) Security oriented investments, and 2) Risk/Growth oriented investments.

The most important investment decision you'll ever make comes down to how much risk tolerance you have as you look to compound the money you've set aside for retirement. Are you 80 percent Security and 20 percent Risk/Growth? Or are you 60/40, 50/50, or some other allocation?

This decision is best made with your fiduciary, who is a registered financial investor. That's because whatever you believe your risk tolerance is, we're only human, and it's one thing to say you can accept losses when it's not actually happening and totally different when a big chunk of the money you've set aside gets wiped out.

If you have a savvy fiduciary, talk to him or her about asymmetric risk. It's the billionaire's secret, whereby they get Risk/Growth-like returns with assets that would fall in the Security asset class. The wealthy risk very little and expect substantial returns. Most people risk most of what they have for a small return (which is why we remain, well, NOT wealthy).

No. 3: The Most Important Business Decision You'll Ever Make

And finally, the most important business decision you'll ever make is who you will model your success after. Great people building great companies have incredible mentors who have helped them achieve their success. Ask any successful CEO, and he or she will tell you who mentored them. If you want to grow, you need a coach.

If you want to grow massively, you need someone who has already accomplished what you want at a scale 10 to 100 times greater than you're even dreaming about right now.

Which is why I urge you to sign up for Business Mastery. What other coach do you know who's created a net worth of over $6 billion dollars and is willing to help you? If you know someone else like that, please contact me immediately. As Tony Robbins says, "Proximity Is Power." Think about it. If you want to lose weight, do you seek the advice of a person who is obese? No, of course not. You find the person who is an absolute picture of health and vitality, and you model what he or she does.

Not only does Tony Robbins play full out with his time and energy, but he brings in several other successful billionaires who share their formulas for success. This week, I had a one-on-one conversation with Jay Abraham. If you don't know him, he's considered one of the top marketing minds of our generation. What's that worth to my business? We're talking millions once I implement the sage advice he imparted to me.

But here's the best part. When you sign up, you have what I consider to be the most incredible money-back guarantee I've ever heard. You go to the first day (of a five day event) and if you don't find insights that day that are worth at least $1 million dollars to your business, you get a full refund, no questions asked.

So yeah, I think this was the right choice for me. I have calculated at least $3 million dollars (this year!) that I will generate from the insights I learned this week, and when I continue to implement these incredible ideas, the ultimate outcome in the next decade will be in the eight or nine figure range.

If you want to be a billionaire, then you need to take massive action. That starts with having a coach who's already done what you want to accomplish. If you don't have that, then that's your first order of business. As Tony Robbins likes to say, "When would NOW be a good time to make that happen?"

http://www.inc.com/bill-carmody/the-three-most-important-decisions-you-will-ever-make.html

The science of spanking: What happens to spanked kids when they grow up

The science of corporal punishment. With fact-checked facts and everything.

You know what the most annoying thing in the world is when you are a parent? Other people telling you what to do as if they know better. Backseat parenting drives me crazy. Until I'm the one doing it. I have dear friends who spank their kids, and I always try to talk to them about the science of it. They always respond with, "I know what's best for my kids, just like you know what's best for yours." Which is exactly what I'd say if someone told me that I was doing it wrong. Every kid is different. Every kid has their needs.

However, during those discussions, I'd say there is science that backs up doing something other than spanking. They'd always ask for specifics. I never had them. Until now. So here's an infographic explaining what 36,000 people and 88 studies found.

The biggest takeaway for me? Even if you spank with control, discipline, and good intent, your kids are more likely to have depression and engage in aggressive behavior in adulthood.

For those of you who spank your kids, let me just declare: I am in no way attacking your parenting skills or blaming you for anything. Parenting is hard. I've wanted to spank my kids on numerous occasions. But learning about the science can help you in the future.

Maybe it's what you grew up with. Maybe it's what you have always known. But the science is hard to ignore. Take from it what you will, but just know I'm not here to judge you — I'm only here to ask you to consider an alternative.

I think we can all agree that we want what is best for our children.

http://www.upworthy.com/the-science-of-spanking-what-happens-to-spanked-kids-when-they-grow-up

6 Phrases Weak People Always Use When They Are Planning to Fail

Listen for voice inflection and a lack of confidence, sure. But these phrases reveal everything you need to know about someone who is planning to let you down.

You can hear it in their voice.

When an employee, contractor, business partner, or even a customer is not planning to deliver on what he or she has promised, you can always tell. Listen to the exact wording, voice inflection, and maybe a hint of deviousness, but these phrases are always a red flag. They reveal the person intends to fail.

1. "I will do my best...."

If you hear this one, make a contingency plan. The person is not going to do their best. In fact, it's a warning sign that the person already knows they cannot complete the task. Whatever happens, it will end in failure.

2. "Let me get back to you on that..."

I've heard this one at trade-shows many times. It means the exact opposite. The person saying this phrase won't get back to you...ever.

3. "I have some good ideas on that..."

It's a red flag when people tell you about an idea. It's a stall. If the idea was that great, the person would just do it and the problem would be resolved.

4. "I will try..."

Not everyone has seen the original Star Wars movies. There is no try, per Yoda. When someone says "try" it's a code word. It means: "I know I am going to fail..."

5. "Actually..."

This is a harmless word, right? Yet, it means trouble. What comes after it is a mild rebuttal, but the person is not really that sure. "Actually" they are planning to fail.

6. "You have my word on that..."

Confident people don't use this phrase. Why bother? The person who needs to trust you will either do that or won't do that, despite whether you say this phrase.

http://www.inc.com/john-brandon/6-phrases-weak-people-always-use-when-they-are-planning-to-fail.html

2 Tips to Help You Tell It Like It Is

He didn’t have to tell me everything. But he did. He told his story and he didn’t leave anything out. He admitted his mistakes and he owned his actions. He held nothing back, even though it would have been easier, even though it would have been expected. But he was honest with himself and he was honest with me. He was candid. It was refreshing and I felt relieved to talk to someone so forthright.

In Creativity, Inc., Ed Catmull brought back the need for candor: “Seek out people who are willing to level with you, and when you find them, hold them close.” Even though he was referring to it in the business setting, he could have as easily been referring to all people in our lives.

When I reflect on the best relationships I have, personal and professional, the ones I value most are the real ones, the candid ones. Because, if you have feedback, I want to hear it. I want you to agree with me, to tell me that my presentation failed to connect, that my writing completely missed the point, and yes, that that dress is not flattering.

But rarely do we get that feedback—because we are afraid to give it. We fear sounding crass and disrespectful. And we were taught that if we didn’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

When we hold back from saying the things we want to say, we do so with the belief that we are being nice. We don’t tell the people we are close to our honest opinion or offer all the facts. We shy away from exposing the complete truth as if silence protects our relationships. And by not telling others what they should hear, we are also protecting ourselves because it gives others no reason to provide us critical feedback in return.

When we choose to stay quiet, it affects growth—ours and those around us. When we hold back information, how can we improve or benefit when the response to "How was it?" is “Fine”?

Being candid is a skill, and it’s one you can get better at:

1. Candor is providing actionable feedback. It is not criticizing.

I’ve found that one of the best ways to do this is using a sequence I learned in a coaching course. It’s made up of two statements: "What worked well?" followed by "It could have been even better if..."

Recently I completed this with a coaching colleague. We agreed what she did well was ask the client clear questions, and by the end of the session she was able to steer the client to actionable steps. Then we agreed that it could have been even better if she allowed the conversation to lead itself instead of mentally prepping the next question while the client was still answering the previous one—and even better if she would have taken a longer pause between topics to ensure the client’s thought process was complete.

By providing feedback in this sequence, we find a way of complimenting the other person (or ourselves) for what they have been able to accomplish, and we are able to comment in a format that is specific and actionable. Make sure to avoid vagueness—the person receiving the evaluation needs to know exactly what they could improve on.

2. Be proactive.

Admit your own flaws—when you are running 30 minutes late, don’t sugarcoat it as just “a few minutes.” Own up to your mistakes—call your customer and say you personally forgot to place their order right away and missed the next-day delivery cutoff time. Tell the truth—tell your colleague you recognize how hard public speaking is and that their speech would be even better if they recorded their practice sessions to become more aware of the number of times they say uhhh.

When you are the person who tells it like it is, the right way, people will respect you for your honesty. They’ll recognize your character as one that helps other people grow, improve, succeed—something very valuable in relationships, personal and professional.

http://www.success.com/blog/2-tips-to-help-you-tell-it-like-it-is