Vengeance: Does It Only Affect the Guilty?

Vengeance. One of the leading causes of mass destruction and a powerful, yet dangerous, anecdote to our pain. Yes, vengeance. We all sought it, yearned it, and possibly rubbed our hands together maniacally until we conjured a plan to get even at those we believe have wronged us. YOU THOUGHT YOU'D GET AWAY WITH IT, DIDN'T YOU? We mentally whisper in our wrongdoer's ear. THEY GOT WHAT THEY DESERVED! We say to ourselves, as fire finally leave our hearts. But, guess what? We may have gotten our sweet revenge but we didn't take into consideration an important factor in our triumph... the other victim! "Victim?" You ask? But, I AM the victim!" You exclaim. Yes, before your get-even-plan, but as soon as you do, it is highly possible someone else takes your place as victim. Let's take a look at this scenario, shall we?

My office manager, "Mr. Wrong", had been giving me hell for several years. It started out with me asking him if I had any chances for growth and the reply was always in my favor, but for years he would hire others for the same position I was pretty much begging him for, even though I had proven myself worthy many times before. Adding insult to injury, for years, the receptionist insisted on not showing up for work and out of six customer service reps. I was the only one required to cover her and was threatened to leave if I did not comply. My end-of-the-year salary was even threatened. On many occasions, I expressed this unfairness to Mr. Wrong, the vice president, and the C.E.O. of the company and was told, "you have a good receptionist's voice so we like to put you up there" or "well, we don't pay her for not being here anyway, so why should you care? Besides, her absences do not concern you." I even approached the receptionist in hopes that she had a conscious, but angry words were exchanged and there was no resolve.

But, a more disturbing matter persisted with Mr. Wrong when he started showing up at my cubicle every ten minutes, pretending he was using the copier or doing something else, meanwhile, I would catch him standing behind me, watching my computer. Unbeknownst to him, I could see him through the reflection of the glass and through the mirror that I strategically placed on my desk. This was an all-day, everyday event. When I made a complaint to the vice president she told me she was sure Mr. Wrong was not "stalking" me and that she questioned my credibility. I grew even more livid at this blatant disregard and found myself becoming isolated and always angry, believing there was no hope for me. I wallowed in self-pity and started thinking of one thing... VENGEANCE.

Plotting my revenge: I wasn't exactly sure how I would do it but I started coming up with ideas on how I would make Mr. Wrong pay for the emotional and mental distress he was inflicting upon me. One of these thoughts was to destroy as many files as I could and then quit the job, leaving whomever to deal with the months it would take to recover the work. In addition, I considered anonymously letting Mr. Wrong's wife know what kind of a person she married: a deliberate being that allowed drama to persist in the workplace. THIS WILL SHOW HIM, I told myself... but then my conscious kicked in and that changed everything.

Casualties of my wrath: Because I desperately wanted Mr. Wrong to PAY I did not consider who might be caught in my "wrathfire." It wouldn't be Mr. Wrong's files I would be destroying, but the client's files, who entrusted the hard-working employees of the company to render impeccable services to them. Not only that, the employees would have to all chip in to recover work that I destroyed, delaying their own work in the process. This probably wouldn't have affected Mr. Wrong as much as it would have affected the others and all because I couldn't let go of my anger towards him.

The Domino effect: Things could go awry rather quickly and whether or not someone deserves revenge is not the issue because usually the guilty aren't the only ones affected. Someone else usually falls prey to our wrath and then they'll want revenge from you! In 2.5 seconds we would have managed to go from being a victim to being the wrongdoer. And guess what? If you deserved to get revenge, they did too, didn't they? Take your time... I'll wait for your answer.

That 'Aha!' moment: I started really listening to other people's advice and took heed to what others saw in me that lead to my pain. Although it was clear to many that I was being treated unfairly, there was only one reason it prolonged. It was I who gave Mr. Wrong and everyone else the right amount of power to control me. There was something else. It was my lack of self-worth that initiated this anger which inevitably led to this unquenchable thirst to get even. I allowed people to play on my emotions and they greedily ate it up! Had I the confidence in myself, I would have started searching for other employment, leaving the intoxicating environment where I was consumed with negativity.

The resolution: Once I came to terms with the reality that I was causing my own distress I started doing a few things to benefit myself rather than avenge myself. Here are some of them:

• I started spending more time building my confidence instead of helping others break it down.

• I began focusing on the things that made me stand out positively, like my creative skills and talents, and worked on how to utilize them to achieve a high-paying career instead of settling for a low-paying job.

• I sent Mr. Wrong a stern, yet, respectful email telling him I did not appreciate how I was being treated and I wasn't standing for it any longer. I let him know that I was aware he was constantly creeping behind my desk and to direct his attention where it was needed. Slowly I began to notice he wasn't doing it anymore or at least I stopped noticing it as much.

• I started meditating and seeking spiritual guidance. Without it, I wouldn't find peace and freedom, nor the faith necessary to move forward.

• Finally, I decided on a date that I would quit; without the date, I would never move forward with this huge step in my life.

The conclusion: Inch by inch my anger lessened and vengeance was no longer my concern because I had gotten it without having to do anything to Mr. Wrong. The stupid look on his face when I disregarded his existence with my head held high was and still is priceless. I said nothing to him unless it was necessary, while still keeping the amount of respect for him that was required. There was absolutely no negative energy directed towards anyone in order for me to get even so no one got hurt. As for the receptionist, well, let's just say a new sheriff arrived to town who didn't exactly appreciate her incompetence. Within a couple of months of tolerating her, the "sheriff" let her know her services were no longer needed at the company.

Your turn: There are many ways to get even with someone without hurting them or yourself and here are a few things that can help you achieve this blissfully:

• Express yourself to the person you are at odds with. Sometimes, and I stress "sometimes," people honestly do not realize the misery they cause others.

• Be mindful of the people who might get caught in your crossfire. You might find that you'll take a different route and still find relief in a non-detrimental approach.

• Work on your emotions. Our emotions affect the way we respond to things and we can save ourselves, our rivals, and the innocent from unnecessary conflict.

Please note: I want to point out that there are, of course, many more serious situations that cause people to want revenge, but know that this will cause you more pain then you think because while your mind wants to get even your spirit only wants freedom and you rob your spirit of that in a vengeful state of mind. Know that you should seek a deeper level of guidance and healing that will help you get past it all. Nevertheless, there will be situations where all you have to do is shift a few things around and things will fall into place just famously without violent or anger-driven revenge. So, keep your head up. Keep fighting. Stay strong.

"They will pay. They always pay, whether you are around to know it or not. Good receives good. Bad receives bad; it is karma's way."

-THE BLACK STONE, by Tamika S. Thomas

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