7 Things NOT to Do When You're Angry

1. Suppress your anger. Anger gets a really bad rap, but I kind of love it. I see it as the red light on the dashboard. It simply means that my needs are not being met. So I don't suppress it: I acknowledge it and address it.

2. Start telling a story. When you're angry, it's easy (and natural) to start writing a play in which you're simultaneously the hero, the victim, and the narrator. Don't. Your motto should be "just the facts." Identify what you really know is the case (as opposed to what you think is happening). Take a clear look at what you are reacting to and make a clear observation, making sure not to mix in your judgments.

3. Blame a situation or another person. A situation or another person's actions can never "make" you feel a certain way, so obviously blaming someone or something for your anger is a red herring. Remember, feelings are your warning signals, and are always a result of your needs not being met. As your attention shifts from the stimulus and your immediate reaction (anger) to identifying which of your needs are not being met, your feelings will shift also.

4. Focus on what you don't want. Don't focus on what's bad about the situation: doing so will almost certainly keep you stuck there. Think about it: until we figure out what specific things we do want, it's going to be impossible to ask for them. We're much more likely to judge and blame others for the bad stuff ("It's her fault!"). Learn to take ownership of your thinking and focus your attention on the needs you have that, if they were met, would create an outcome that would make life more satisfying for everyone.

5. Ignore the underlying need. It's better just to blow up and then act like nothing happened, right? No, you say? So why is that a common outcome when we get angry? Remember that anger is a justified reaction to a stimulus, but it's a very fleeting emotion (unless you keep repeating #2 above). When you look deeper, it's very likely that you'll see that you felt hurt, scared, or disappointed by the treatment that initially triggered the angry response. And you'll probably discover that your need is for respect, or safety, or appreciation.

6. Ask for what you don't need. If you'd prefer not to be angry, you should try to get what you really want. I'm sure I'm not the only parent whose first response upon seeing their kid do something undesirable is to yell, "Could you stop doing that?!" But if you're like me, you've found that this is rarely an effective way of stopping whatever it is. By all means, if your child is doing something particularly dangerous, tell him to stop. But giving more information about your emotional state and asking for what you do want ("I feel scared when you run in the parking lot. Could you walk beside me, please?") is a surer bet for getting your needs met.

7. Stifle your creativity. The best way to stay angry is to keep yourself in the same patterns that got you angry in the first place. So focus on finding a creative solution to your needs, a solution that will allow others to get their needs met, too. I've worked hard to be able to go from negative stimulus to a positive request fairly quickly so "Could you stop chasing the dog around the house?!" becomes "Let's go throw the ball outside."

That should take care of most situations when anger shows up. More challenging situations may require a little more work. It probably means there are some long-standing negative feelings. In that case it's super important that you get to a better-feeling place by taking care of yourself first before addressing them.

Treat yourself to a massage, go out to lunch with a friend, or take your dog for a walk. Now that you are feeling good, think about the negatively charged situation and focus your awareness on the others involved. Connect with their feelings, and identify actions that might contribute to meeting their needs.

Now imagine having a conversation with them about the situation in which you share your new insights and the actions you are willing to take to make their lives better. Imagine the conversation going well: how good it will feel to meet the other's needs! Imagine that they are so moved by your willingness to make their lives better that they feel equally compelled to look for solutions that are mutually satisfying.

Aligning your intentions in this way is very powerful. If you haven't moved out of the stalemate of anger and resentment you experienced before attempting this process, refocus your attention on what you want, and keep asking yourself the question of how you can move forward to achieve it.

What do you think? Are you inspired to attempt this process or are you still dubious? What helps you feel better when you're angry?

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