Could You Benefit From A Work Stress Counsellor?

This is actually a perfectly natural response to what our brain perceives as a threat, hence why it sends us into 'fight or flight' mode. In more primitive times, this response would have actually served us well - say if we woke alerted to a predator approaching our cave or we had to protect our young from an intruder.

The body's fight or flight response would have, at one time, kept us alive and protected our offspring - as we still see in animals all the time. However, these days, the actual threats that we face on a day-to-day basis where this kind of response could come in useful are minimal, but our minds and bodies haven't quite caught up.

When it comes to everyday problems, once the moment has passed we're usually able to return to our composed selves. So, what happens when we aren't able to switch off from it? Long-term, this can have a detrimental affect on our sleep patterns, our mental health and even our immunity to certain illnesses, so should be taken seriously.

One of the main culprits of stress is work-related pressure. There is so much out there telling us we need to 'get ahead', make more money or compete with our colleagues, that we can forget to look after ourselves when we're caught up in it all. It's easy to forget that this negativity can trickle into all aspects of our lives, including our relationships.

This can then have a knock-on effect, causing us to make poor choices when it comes to our diets, sleeping habits and self-care. Not only this, but stress can cause many people to look for relief from sometimes destructive substances like alcohol, cigarettes or even drugs, if not dealt with in the right way.

If you're finding yourself increasingly burnt out, exhausted and unable to relax at the end of a day, you could be suffering form stress. You may have noticed that this also provokes anxiety, causing your heart to beat faster and even making it difficult to breathe.

You may find that when it comes to relax and leave the day behind, you're exhausted but unable to sleep. The sleeplessness then makes it difficult to manage with your ability to cope with work pressures the next day - and so the cycle continues.

In order to help yourself better manage your responsibilities without compromising your mental and physical health, you could contact a work stress counselor. Talking therapies have proved effective time and time again in a number of instances where your job may be taking its toll - more so than medication or alternative practices.

Of course, your counsellor may suggest propping up your counselling with other practices such as exercise, mindfulness or meditation. But they will likely provide a personalised approach to your therapy according to what you find most helpful.

There is no need to feel shame about seeking help - everyone benefits from therapy at one point or another during their lives. In many employment fields, counseling is a mandatory part of the job, and many other workplaces are employing mindfulness and meditation practices to help employees better manage their mental wellbeing.

Have a look online for a registered counsellor that can offer work-related counselling services. You will probably need to call up or arrange a visit for a consultation and to see if you and your therapist are a good fit, but after that, you should start seeing your stress levels diminish once you have a professional sounding board.

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Sometimes You've Just Got to Say 'No'

Many people find that it's their automatic default to say 'yes' whenever something is asked of them. They may have learned to respond without even thinking about it, maybe regard others' needs as more important than their own or don't want to cause disappointment, offence or appear 'difficult' by declining.

Saying 'yes' can be a positive trait that opens new doors and experiences. It can be a significant investment in our relationships, but used too often or without due consideration can also lead to overwhelm, frustration and resentment.

Let's look at why sometimes you've just got to say 'no';

- At times it can become apparent that we need to re-define the boundaries of our relationships and remind/reinstate the parameters of what's appropriate and acceptable. Over time we may have ended up doing things out of habit or by default. That's not always the best or most respectful way to live. From now let's decide to be clearer about our roles and check whether the things we accept or agree to are still okay for us. Saying 'no' can be an important part of reclaiming our self-respect.

- Personal time and space is integral to good self-care. Don't underestimate the role of some me-time. Just because you're free and don't have an important task or commitment at the moment means you should feel guilty or allow others to encroach on that time. If you had an appointment with an important client it's hard to imagine that you'd let something distract you from honouring it. So, put yourself in your diary and say 'no' to cancelling, unless a real emergency crops up. Commit to regular time for yourself.

- Sometimes saying 'no' can be a way of letting others know how much you do, what else you've got on, that you're too busy to take on any more. They perhaps don't appreciate the extent of your responsibilities and commitments, how time-consuming they are and may well back off once you've explained firmly and politely. If you always say 'yes' they may think you don't mind, are happy to be the 'go to guy'. And it may be that it's only upon reflection, that you start to appreciate how much you actually do, automatically, without a second thought.

- Don't forget too that boredom is often underrated. We may feel obligated to fill every moment with meaningful activity, with chores, catching up with people, self-improvement. There's often a list of things we could/should/ought to be doing, but doing nothing is fine occasionally. It lets our minds and bodies calm down and be still. It teaches us about the importance of silence and inactivity, about switching off our 'I'm ready, bring it on' adrenalin. Children often learn a lot when they're bored. All too often they have technology, films and adults desperate to provide constant stimulus and amusement, but children, when left to their own devices, are often ingenious at using their imaginations and amusing themselves. That skill needs to be encouraged.

- Find acceptable ways of saying 'no', that you're comfortable with. Anger and outrage can flare if we feel we're under pressure to do more, always say 'yes', but that extreme reaction is often unnecessary. Saying, 'it's not a good time for me', or 'I'm busy, already doing x and y' may be enough to placate the situation, inform others of things you're already doing and encourage them to respect you and your time more.

- Then there are those of us who say 'yes' so frequently to invitations that we forget which concerts, events, parties we've actually been to! Saying 'yes' too often can turn special moments into a half-remembered blur. A bit like testing too many perfumes, we become numb and unable to fully appreciate each experience.

Saying 'yes' is important. It gets us out of our comfort zone, keeps us alert and receptive to new experiences and opportunities. And often when we say 'yes' and commit to seemingly impossible opportunities or agree to things we don't want to do, we can be pleasantly surprised at how well they turn out. But equally, we need to be ready to say 'no' if we feel overloaded, trapped, taken for granted or not properly equipped to do a good job. Used well, both yes and no can serve positive roles in our lives.

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The Addictive Personality Part Three

Deep down inside people with addictions know that what they are doing is wrong. They know that their behaviors, choices, and actions are hurting them and their loved ones. But the need to feed their addiction supersedes everything else in their life.

To perpetuate their addiction they must deny that the substance, compulsion, or habit has anything to do with what is going wrong around them. That is why they become very defensive when confronted with their behavior. There are a variety of defense mechanisms used by those with active addictions.

Denial

Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true. The ability to deny that he or she has such a strong emotional attachment to his or her addiction of choice is largely what enables an addict to continue the addiction despite overwhelming evidence. The more severe the problem, the more denial there usually is.

Repression

Repression is the conscious mechanism those with addictions use to completely tune out the fact that they have a problem. They simply stop acknowledging the addiction to themselves and others.

Minimizing

With minimizing, those with addictions will acknowledge that something is wrong but not want to make a big deal out of it. When confronted by others they rationalize that others are placing too much emphasis on the problem; that it's not nearly as bad as others are making it out to be.

Toxic Shame

Toxic shame is used by those with addictions to avoid taking responsibility for their problem. They see themselves as flawed and never measuring up; like their whole life has been a mistake. They believe they are victims of their past. Because they feel defective, they seek something that will make them feel better, but it is a hole they can never fill.

Blaming and Shifting Blame

Blaming is similar to toxic shame in that those with addictions avoid taking responsibility for the problem. They may accept some of the responsibility for their problem but believe that others are more to blame for it. They may act like victims, shifting the blame for their addiction onto the situation they are in or the people they are with. They don't look at how they contribute to the problem. This gives them a sense of entitlement to use their substance since they are not to blame for doing it.

Rationalizing

Rationalization is used to explain away the consequences of their addictive behavior or choices. They rationalize that whatever happened would have happened regardless of their addiction. For example: The factors that led to the car accident would have caused it to happen whether he or she was intoxicated or not.

Deflection

When confronted about their addiction addicts may use deflection to take the focus off of themselves. They do this by bringing up the other person's shortcomings, similar activities that the person may partake in, or behavior the person may have exhibited in the past. For example, alcoholics might remind people that they have no room to criticize their drinking because they drink too.

Normalizing

Wanting to feel normal, since they feel so shameful for their behavior, they surround themselves with others who abuse the same substance and have the same level of addiction.

Grandiosity

Most people with addictions suffer from low-self-esteem. Aware and shameful that they are messing up their lives, they use "Grandiosity," the unrealistic inflation of their sense of self, as a defense mechanism to hide their feelings of vulnerability and low of self-worth. They may have low self-esteem yet still believe they are better than other people.

Compartmentalizing

By compartmentalizing their addiction they are able to display the behaviors expected of them for windows of time. This fools them and others into thinking that they have control over their lives.

Controlling

Those with addictions try to control everything and everyone around them, believing it will get them what they want. When others don't cooperate they become even more controlling. It is delusional; they believe that what they are doing is going to work even though it rarely does.

Undoing

People with addictions will demonstrate destructive behavior and then try to "undo" it by apologizing, offering gifts, or promising that they'll never do it again. They do this to distract others from the real problem; from the fact that they have an addiction.

If you recognize signs of an addictive personality in yourself there are steps you can take to prevent it from spiraling out of control.

1. You must admit that there is a problem. Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions. Be honest and objective in your assessment of it. Surround yourself with a good support system.
2. Learn to face your feelings whether good or bad. Don't put them on the back burner, stuff them inside, ignore them, or medicate them. Allow yourself to experience whatever emotions come up.
3. Arm yourself with knowledge; research your problem so you will not have to fear it.
4. If you can discontinue the addictive behavior without needing medical intervention, begin weaning yourself off of it. Cigarette smoking and overeating both fall into this category. If you are addicted to a substance such as drugs or alcohol, get professional help immediately. You cannot stop these habits without medical supervision.
5. Join a support group with people who share your particular addiction. It helps to know that you are not the only one dealing with it. If you would like to try attending a twelve-step meeting, find out where and when they meet in your area. There are 12-step support groups for every kind of addiction imaginable. To find one search "List of Twelve Step Programs."

Be kind to yourself. Replace negative or destructive behaviors with positive ones. Set goals and reward yourself for reaching them. Find healthy ways to be happy whatever they may be. Take a class in a hobby or something that interests you. Surround yourself with positive people; weed toxic people out of your life. Learn how to reduce stress in your life in ways that are beneficial to your overall well-being. Learn how to meditate. Take long relaxing baths. Take a yoga class or learn how to practice it on your own. Take walks. Go to the gym.

If you want to head in the right direction, all you have to do is keep walking forward.

Learn the steps you can take to prevent your addiction from spiraling out of control.

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The Addictive Personality Part Two

Much has been written about genetic predisposition and its relationship to addictive personalities. Having an addict in the family does not guarantee that everyone in the family will become addicts. But many believe that hereditary factors can raise a person's level of vulnerability to substance abuse or other addictions. That may explain why some gamble in moderation and others compulsively-why some can drink for enjoyment and others become alcoholics.

It does seem as if those with the genetic predisposition will engage in some type of excessive behavior but will not necessary choose the same stimuli they have been exposed to. Adult children of alcoholics may never drink but they may become addicted to gambling. Children of drug addicts may exercise excessively or be workaholics.

There is no single gene that determines a person's susceptibility to addiction. Studies comparing identical and fraternal twins estimate that genetic factors account for 40 to 60 percent of the occurrence of the gene variation.

Researchers have discovered a number of genes that link to addiction through DNA testing. One gene causes dizziness and nausea from smoking and is more present in non-smokers than smokers. Alcoholism is rare in those who have two copies of the ALDH2 gene. Other genes have been linked to narcotic dependency.

Variants in certain genes have been shown to suppress dopamine signals in the brain. Those with these blunted receptors have the need to seek higher levels of stimulation to reach the same level of pleasure as those who don't have the variants. DNA testing can offer vital clues in battling addiction but the use of it is very controversial. The concern is that some may use this information for discrimination purposes.

It comes down to the nature versus nurture argument. Environment and upbringing are believed to be equally important in shaping the personality. Our life circumstances and emotional experiences may have more influence than our genetic make-up does. Under this theory no matter our chemical make-up, we still have the ability to choose and control our actions.

There are factors that may indicate a higher risk of developing a serious addiction. People who have difficulty thinking about the long term consequences of their actions are more susceptible to developing an addiction. So are those who do everything in excess and/or to extremes, and those who habitually substitute one compulsion for another. For example, stressed out workaholics may come home at the end of the day and start drinking to help them relax. They may use cybersex because they don't have time for real relationships. They may stress-eat.

Those with addictive personalities are most vulnerable during periods of heightened stress such as adolescence and times of transition. People who suffer from mental illnesses, emotional disorders, and personality disorders are highly prone to addiction as well. Without being aware that they have a condition, they may self-medicate to manage emotions using substances or behaviors to relieve whatever discomfort they may feel.

Nonconformists, non-achievers, and those with deviant personalities are also prime candidates for addiction. Many adult addicts report having been subjected to deprivation or overindulgence in their childhoods. Others report that they were negatively impacted by their parents' constant, unpredictable fluctuation between over-praise and over-criticism.

Addictions are unmanageable, excessive, and repetitive. The addiction activity begins harmlessly with a pleasurable experience, but over time more and more of the activity is needed to achieve the same effect. People become dependent on the high they get and find it difficult to stop the behavior. If deprived of their fix they will find a substitute. If forced to stop the behavior they will suffer physical or psychological symptoms of withdrawal that compel them to resume the addiction. Over time they lose the ability to cope with life without the addictive stimuli.

People with addictions will deny that what they're doing is detrimentally affecting them while work, family, and social relationships suffer and their health declines. Their desperation often lead them to take extremes in getting the fix, which ultimately creates financial and legal issues.

Addictions can be classified as hard or soft. Hard addictions, also known as substance addiction, are categorized by the rapid affect they have on many aspects of the person's behavior as well as the effect they have on everyone around him or her. Abuse of alcohol, barbiturates, and narcotics are usually the source of this type of addiction. This is different than substance abusers who use from time to time. Substance addicts spend every waking moment finding ways to buy and use drugs or alcohol.

With soft addictions the abuser uses activities that are harmless to most people. The consequences of those behaviors are not immediately felt. Cigarette smoking and coffee drinking are two commonly known examples of soft addictions. It is much easier to hide soft addictions and cover up the behaviors that result from them. But soft-addictions have the propensity to lead to more serious addictions down the road.

Gambling is another common example of a soft addiction. Gamblers with addictive personalities go through three stages. In the first phase, also known as the winning phase, the person has control over his or her behavior. The second stage is known as the losing phase. In this phase the person begins gambling alone, gambling large sums of money, and borrowing cash to pay off mounting debt. The third phase is called the desperation phase. In this phase the gambler engages in more risky, sometimes illegal behavior. In desperation he or she may borrow money from non conventional sources. Depression and attempted suicide are common in the third phase of gambling.

Other examples of soft addictions are eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, and compulsive over-eating. Though there are other factors that contribute to this type of behavior, it can develop into pathological behavior that is very similar to addiction. The anorexic fixates on the goal of losing weight. Once the person begins dieting he or she finds it very hard to stop. Those with bulimia are after the same goal as those who are anorexic, but the mode of operation is different. Instead of limiting their diet they binge on large amounts of food and then purge it before their bodies have the chance to digest it. Compulsive eaters are not concerned with weight loss or weight gain, though the disorder often results in obesity. They have a compulsive urge to eat, whether hungry or not.

Something as beneficial as exercising can become a preoccupation or addiction to those who are predisposed to having one. Running is the most prevalent; runners are known to get a runner's high and can become dependent on it. This is attributed to mood-enhancing chemicals called endorphins that are released during exercise. An addiction occurs when the exercise activity is used as an escape or a coping mechanism. It's a problem when it becomes so excessive that the body suffers injury, and when it negatively impacts relationships.

Compulsive buying falls under the category of soft addictions. Those who do it are addicted to the buzz it gives them. It has nothing to do with what they are buying, it is simply their drug. They buy only for the sake of buying without ever intending to use it. Those with this disorder often suffer from other disorders such as depression, mood swings, and anxiety. Buying gives them temporary relief, but after they do it they feel heightened anxiety and intense guilt. One study showed that twenty percent of compulsive buyers suffer from an eating disorder as well.

The two newest additions to the soft-addiction category are Internet abuse and cell phone abuse. They are more prevalent in younger generations, though there is a significant number of older people who develop these addictions as well.

Those who have an Internet addiction, also known as pathological Internet use, find they cannot control their usage of it. They may be drawn to online games, social networking sites, or other online sites, and will spend an excessive amount of time there. The use becomes an addiction when withdrawal symptoms such as mood changes are suffered when they are away from it.

Some people become addicted to cyber relationships. A problem occurs when these relationships are used to avoid face to face, interpersonal interactions. This addiction can lead to social, psychological, and work or school problems.

A recent study shows that those who are addicted to cell phone use display behaviors very similar to those with addictive personalities-low self-esteem, approval seeking, insecurity. Cell phones have become indispensable in our lives, but they can reinforce the tendency of over-attachment for those with addictive personalities.

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The Addictive Personality, Part One

How do you envision someone with an addictive personality? Do you picture an alcoholic, someone strung out on drugs, a chain smoker, or a gambler down on his luck?

Addictive behaviors are commonly thought of as behaviors that impair a person's ability to function. Often they do but not all addictive behaviors have that effect. Some addictive behaviors do not negatively influence or impact the person's life.

Many people are unaware that they even have the tendency because their behavior doesn't fit the image they have in their mind of those who do. Someone with an addictive personality can turn a positive activity, such as exercising, into an obsession. As one mental health expert put it, healthy people plan exercise around their life. Addicts plan their life around exercise.

Those with addictive personalities have urges other people don't have that can impede their ability to make good decisions. They have the tendency to do things that are fine in moderation, things that those without addictive personalities do with no problem, and become addicted to them. They are prone to becoming dependent on substances, activities, and other people-just about anything. And they are especially at high at risk of becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, food, pornography, exercise, work, and codependency.

It is theorized that 15% of American people have a predisposition to addiction. Doctors and clinicians still debate whether or not the addictive personality exists. The National Institute on Drug Abuse calls it a brain disease. Though addictive personality has not been classified as a personality disorder by the American Psychological Association, there are common traits that those with the tendency have-certain characteristics that make them more susceptible to physical or psychological dependencies that may negatively impact their quality of life. Not everyone demonstrating these characteristic will develop an addiction.

A common characteristic of the addictive personality is poor stress management skills. Without the benefit of healthy coping skills they are prone to using substances, activities, or other people as a way to manage their emotional discomfort and alleviate stress. They have the tendency to self-medicate, believing they are only using it symptomatically, but in fact are using it as a way to cope with life. Some have social anxiety or have trouble letting their guard down. Substances help them let go and have fun.

Many with addictive personalities suffer from insecurity or are excessive approval seekers. They may use substances such as drugs and alcohol to provide a temporary sense of worth, a pseudo-identity. Though they are aware that the sense of worth achieved that way is false, they like the way it feels and crave it more and more. They may turn to addictive substances in order to deal with insecurity, or they may ultimately feel powerless to stop an addiction once it starts.

Another marker of the addictive personality is the lack of ability to get in touch with feelings. The feelings are there but they may be too painful to look at. Feeling makes them feel vulnerable and out of control. This causes someone to focus outward, searching for anything that makes them feel good inside and comforts them.

Those with addictive personalities often have the need for instant gratification. They crave the quick, powerful feeling that makes them feel good in ways nothing else can. The euphoric feeling is short-lived so they are constantly seeking more. This sometimes occurs with those who have obsessive or compulsive personalities, and those who are perfectionists.

The inability to form emotional attachments with other people is another characteristic of those with addictive personalities. Many of these people are unable to make relationship commitments. Some alienate themselves from others believing that trusting relationships are unattainable. Some have brief, superficial relationships filled with emotional turmoil, and often with those who also have addictive personalities or are abusive. Substances such as drugs or alcohol become substitutes for the bond they lack with others.

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