3 Steps to Boosting Your Charisma

Anyone can command attention, if they know the secrets

We often consider charisma to be a rare quality, bestowed on only a few lucky souls, special individuals who end up in highly-visible, highly-rewarding positions as politicians, CEOs, actors, and talk show hosts.
But that’s a myth, according to Olivia Fox Cabane, author of The Charisma Myth. Cabane contends that charisma is not an innate trait, reserved for A-listers. Instead, it’s a characteristic anyone can develop. Charisma can be learned because it has everything to do with a personal mindset, and the nonverbal behaviors associated with it.
Charisma may seem like a superficial quality at first glance. But if you look deeper, you’ll see that it is a more profound characteristic—a combination of presence, power, and warmth—and one that can deeply connect us with the people around us.
Following are key ideas from Cabane’s work that I find helpful when talking specifically with clients who desire to become more engaged public speakers. But charisma is for anyone who wants to increased their personal magnetism—and opportunities for success. It’s for those who want to have more meaningful and engaging interactions, and positively impact the lives of others.

1. Presence
Believe it or not, toddlers have charisma. These little creatures, wide-eyed and curious, can capture the attention of a roomful of adults without saying a word. Do you remember the last time one of these little guys captivated you? Did you wonder why what was? Obviously they’re super cute, but a lot of it has to do with presence. Toddlers are often fully in the moment, and there’s something magnetic about anyone who’s giving 100 percent of their attention and effort to what’s happening here and now.
Think of Michael Jordan’s presence during play off games as his Chicago Bulls won consecutive NBA titles from 1991 through 1993. His focus on each game and every play was so contagious that his team mates were able to elevate their games as well. Millions wanted to see the Bulls win. It probably explains why Jordan’s line of athletic clothing continues to sell well for Nike almost 20 years later. Jordan is far from a toddler, but the similarity is his fully engaged presence.
We can quickly tell when someone is in the moment, and when they’re thinking about other things. Adults are frequently in a state of continuous partial attention. We aren’t fully engaged with our employees or co-workers, our children or spouses, or the grocery clerk.
To master the first part of charisma, then, you have to practice being present.
There are many practices to help you become more present and engaged in a given moment. One is to focus on your breathing. Wherever you are, feel the air entering through your nose and filtering into your lungs. Now attend to the feeling as you exhale. As the last bit of air leaves your lungs, note the sensation of your muscles relaxing all the way down to your fingers and toes.
Another practice to become more present is to make eye contact with those you talk to. We often think we’re looking our conversational partner in the eyes when really we’re looking at them in the “general eye area.” Take the time to note the color of their eyes. Are they deep brown or green-brown? Don’t give a hard stare, of course—that would be creepy. But warm, friendly eye contact lets your partner know you are present and interested in what they have to say.
In many cases, our body language reveals an apparent lack of interest. Our shoulders may be turned away, or we may be distracted by a stream of texts. This instantly tells the other person we aren’t fully present. So square up your body and shoulders to those you are conversing with, and look them directly in the eyes.
You don’t have to be fully present in each and every moment—that’s not realistic (or possible). But when you can, and when it’s important, make the most of your time with others, and let them know you’re present.
2. Power

Power is defined in many ways but when it comes to charisma, it refers to the perception by others that you have agency and influence—that you can make things happen.
Some people are assigned power automatically as a result of their wealth, physique, or position of authority. But you don’t have to possess any of these things for people to see you as powerful. Perception of agency and influence are determined in large part by body language and other nonverbal cues, like posture, dress, and voice. Here are a few simple cues that can help communicate personal power:

1. Widen your stance a bit, open your arms, and own your space—not like a superhero, but like you are comfortable with who you are.     
2. Sit up straight like your mother told you. Stand tall and hold your head up.
3. Know when to be quiet and listen. Dominating a conversation doesn’t necessarily make a person more powerful. It can actually have the opposite effect when people begin to realize it’s become a one-sided discussion. 
4. Nod your head selectively when something important is brought to light, rather than nodding constantly at every idea.
5. Drop the pitch of your voice at the end of a sentence rather than increasing it, which makes your comment sound like a question rather than a statement.

You can probably think of other cues that increase the perception of personal power. But be aware that power-grabs through intimidation ordeception will be short-lived. (Think of ex-President Nixon) Charisma is strongest when presence and power are combined with genuine warmth.
3. Warmth
If power is the perception that you can make things happen, warmth is the perception that you will use that power for the good of others. Warmth, like presence, is hard to fake. We can appear polite with manners and a smile, but warmth comes from a deeper place than being pleasant. Most of us notice when we are in the presence of someone who has genuine affection for us.
Since we can’t really fake warmth, we must remove the barriers to feeling genuine warmth for others. The biggest barrier may be a lack of warmth toward ourselves. This is typical when we attach more credibility to the negative thoughts we have than the positive ones. A quick and helpful practice to develop warmth, according to Cabane, is to close your eyes and envision someone who would have great affection for you. This might be a historical figure like Jesus or Gandhi, or someone closer to home, like a grandparent or even a loving pet. Feeling their warmth and total acceptance can help you share those feelings with those around you.
Do you have it?
Consider the aspects of charisma you already possess: Do you have warmth for others and display a certain degree of power, but find you’re rarely in the moment? Do you have power in spades, but often let it overshadow your feelings of warmth? All of us possess charismatic traits in varying degrees. The secret to becoming more charismatic is to embrace the things you already do well, and work to improve the areas that may be limiting you.
Take a few minutes to note the behaviors and attitudes you’re good at and those you could work on. Consider people you believe are charismatic and note what they do that you find appealing. Then consciously spend time practicing these traits as you go through your workday and conversations with others. You’ll find that over time, these habits are likely to manifest in a more charismatic you.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i-can-relate/201408/3-steps-boosting-your-charisma

6 Lessons for Love and Life

In a past life, Quentin Fottrell, currently a writer for the Wall Street Journal's Marketwatch, was an advice columnist in Ireland. In his book Love In A Damp Climate, he recounts the 10 years of advice he gave about navigating relationships with friends, family members, and partners.
I recently spoke with Fottrell about his book and his years of experience helping people with problems in love and life. I've distilled some lessons that might be helpful to all of us:
1. Your answer is often in your question.
Fottrell told me how he started giving advice: “I was the youngest child and, when I was still in single digits, my three sisters always asked me how they looked before they went out in the evening. I was always honest. They liked that." He found that what he mostly shared with people seeking help was common sense from an independent person. “The answer was always in the question," he says. "I just think people sometimes need an objective party—someone who isn't a friend—to tell them what they probably already know or need to hear. Being an objective party, it's also easier to just tell the truth and be honest. Taking the right course of action now can save a lot of pain in the long run.”

2. Never judge, and always listen.
"It's not the perfect life that informs," Fottrell writes. "It's the drama-filled, mistake-ridden imperfect one." When I asked the most important things were that he had learned from the imperfect lives of others, he said, "To never judge (though that's not easy); to always listen (which is a little easier); and to know that it's always possible to disagree respectfully, and that there is great inspiration and courage to be had from observing the mistakes of others, and how they carry on. That goes for our mistakes, too. I think we have less drama in our lives as we get older. That's the aim, anyway. We learn that it's possible to be true to ourselves and speak our minds, but do so in a way that's helpful to both parties.”
3. Don't put people on pedestals. They will disappoint you because they are human, just like you. 
Fottrell's advice to anyone seeking a knight in shining armor: "Underneath the shining armor, when the knight has stripped off and left his helmet and sword on the bedside locker, you will find a man of flesh and blood who is real and will have needs and faults and desires…Just meet the blokes, talk to them, enjoy the gifts that they have to give you, take the good, weigh it up with the bad. And don't wait for the knight in shining armor because you may find yourself spending a lifetime trying to polish it."

The takeaway here? “Don't put people on pedestals," he says. "They will disappoint you because they are human, just like you. If you do have high expectations and put someone before all else—including yourself—you will end up giving up your own identity in an effort to please the other person. And if you have an impossible list of requirements, you will never find someone who lives up to them. If you ask. 'What can I bring to this relationship?'—and not what can you get from it—that’s a pretty good start.”
4. Remember that a relationship takes a lot of work.
Fottrell writes: "We, who demand constant attention and devotion from our partners, forget that previous generations made do with prolonged periods of separation." To illustrate this point, he shares the story of Biddy and Barney, a couple from Donegal in the northwest of Ireland, who spent many summers apart when Barney went “turning turnips” in Scotland. But they stayed together despite being apart so often. “There were no divorce lawyers in Ireland back then and no dual incomes and cars, or Facebook or SnapChat," he says. "It was a simpler time when people were poorer, but they are testaments to the hard work that a relationship requires."
5. Don’t confuse the desire to be loved with the love of someone who is unsuitable.
"Sometimes," Fottrell writes, "we confuse the desire to be loved with the love of someone who is entirely unsuitable."
“I think it's better," he says, "to be alone than to feel alone with someone who is totally unsuitable. It's a big responsibility to choose a partner, and it must be done with great care. The good news is the signs are there for those who wish to see them. I heard a comedian recently say that if you want to know what someone is really like give them a computer and a really slow Internet connection. I think there's some truth to that. How does a person treat the wait staff in a restaurant? Watch for the little things. They are very important.”
6. Treasure the moment and forgive yourself for past mistakes.


Fottrell's book details the quests for love of not only the young but the old as well. "We cannot learn about ourselves without listening to those who went before us," he writes. He relates the story of Harry and Kay, married for decades, despite the personal flaws Harry would later freely admit to Fottrell. Among them: Constantly singing a song—"Sweet-Sixteen"—that drove Kay crazy. Yet when Kay was on her deathbed, she requested that Harry sing her that song:

Last night I dreamt I held your hand in mine
And once again you were my happy bride
I kissed you as I did in Auld Lang Syne
As to the church we wandered side by side

"Harry died shortly after I interviewed him," Fottrell says, "so he never saw the book. It was moving for so many reasons. Firstly: I knew Harry and his wife Kay when she was alive, but had never spoken to Harry about his marriage. Secondly: Harry acknowledges mistakes he made. He could have been less fond of the booze, and that still hurt him all those years later. I felt like he had forgiven himself for being less than perfect, but he carried that feeling with him for the rest of his life. It was a reminder to always treasure the moment and forgive oneself for past mistakes. We—most of us, if we are lucky—do the best we can at the time. Harry did the best he could, too.”

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-the-next-einstein/201408/6-lessons-love-and-life

5 Things Happy People Do Every Day (and You Can, Too)

Money can't buy happiness, unless you spend it the right way.

My research team and I just completed a study to examine the differences in how happy people live their lives compared to people who are unhappy. Because we were interested in several characteristics of happy people, including the relationship between money and happiness, we examined the predictors of happiness from 30 different surveys. These surveys measured people’s spending habits, consumer choices, values, and personality traits.

The results indicated that happy people make 5 little decisions every day that improve their well-being. What are these 5 importance differences between happy and unhappy people, based on our recent consumer behavior studies?

1. Happy people think about the past fondly.
   Perhaps unique among all animals, humans have the capacity to travel backward and forward in time—to use the “specious present” both to relive past life events and to think about the future. Our data shows that happy people appear to relive the ecstasy, but ignoring the agony, of days gone by. When happy people think about their past they focus on their good memories instead of dwelling on the negatives.
   
2. Happy people “catch” the emotions of others.
   Some sensitive people are vulnerable to experiencing others’ emotions—they can “catch” them during joyful (and sorrowful) experiences. Our data shows that when someone smiles warmly at happy people, they smile back and feel warm inside. Therefore, if you pay more attention to the positive emotions of other people, you should be happier.
   
3. Happy people live in a great community.
   A person is happiest when three basic psychological needs are satisfied: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Literally thousands of studies demonstrate the positive effect of psychological need satisfaction on happiness. Our data shows that these psychological needs can be met by one’s community. Happy people say that they feel belongingness where they live and that they look forward to coming home when they have been away.
   
4. Happy people manage their money well.
   Something that any of us can do every day is to make a budget and track our financial transactions so we don’t make impulsive purchases. Research suggests that individuals will manage their money better when they have a clear goal—for example, paying off a credit card, saving for a comfortable retirement, or starting an emergency fund. Our data shows that if you manage your money better today, you will be happier tomorrow.
   
5. Happy people spend their money on life experiences instead of material items.
   Almost 10 years of research has investigated the effects of investing money in life experiences, as opposed to material items. There is now robust evidence that when people spend their money on life experiences they are happier than when they spend on material goods. However, our data further shows that people who habitually spend their money on life experiences are happier than people who tend to buy material items.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cant-buy-happiness/201301/5-things-happy-people-do-every-day-and-you-can-too

How to Make New Connections Anywhere You Go

There are dozens of opportunities to meet new people and grow your professional network every day. Still, most people rely on formal networking events to pull out their business cards and start conversations. Instead, take advantage of less obvious opportunities.

A connection can happen in the most unlikely places including while you’re in line for your morning coffee, on an airplane going to your next business meeting, during a break at a seminar, or at a happy hour event.

The first rule of networking is visibility. When I started my business 16 years ago, I joined professional organizations, associations and other groups. But that wasn’t enough. I knew that I had to get involved to get recognized.  In other words, you must see and be seen in order for others to know who you are.

Volunteer to serve on the board of a local nonprofit or attend charity fundraising events. Volunteer to give a presentation or guest lecture to hone your public speaking skills. Don’t forget that you are your own best business card.

As you go about your day, keep your eyes and ears open for conversation starters. Look for opportunities to be of service. If a stranger mentions that he is looking for a good restaurant, chime in and introduce yourself and suggest some of your favorite places to eat. Search for things you have in common, especially shared experiences, to start genuinely interesting conversations.

It may seem awkward at first, but the more you practice, the more connections you’ll make. Networks grow exponentially. For every new connection you make, you inherit those secondary connections. After all, it’s much easier to ask for an introduction than it is to cold call someone or introduce yourself out of the blue.

Instead of waiting for an occasion to network, use these tips to start a conversation with a stranger.

Give a firm handshake. 

First impressions are powerful and a good handshake conveys confidence. Always stand when you shake someone’s hand because it shows respect for yourself and the other person. As you offer your hand, make eye contact, smile, say your first and last name, and something about yourself.

Find a connector. If you’re new at an event, ask someone in charge or someone who knows a lot of people to introduce you to others in their network. An introduction from an insider can be more effective than if you introduce yourself to a group of strangers.

Discover a person’s hobbies and interests. You could say something like, “What activities do you like to do in your spare time?” No one likes to talk about work all night, so your new acquaintance will appreciate your genuine interest. It’s always nice when someone takes the time to get to know who you are, not just what you do.

Give a sincere compliment. This can be a great way to initiate small talk. Everyone loves a compliment. When someone has won an award or done something noteworthy at work, compliment her on her business accomplishments. Accessories are safe conversation starters. Mention you like a person’s laptop case, pin, tie or handbag.

Know a little about a lot of things. Stay up-to-date on current affairs. If you are interested and interesting, people will be drawn to you. When you travel on business, grab a local paper as soon as you arrive at the airport or hotel. Familiarize yourself with local news and you’ll always have something to talk about. Stay away from taboo topics including sex, money, off-color jokes and politics.

Keep in touch. 

After you meet new connections, be sure to follow-up. Always exchange business cards so you can connect on LinkedIn afterwards. Send an email or a handwritten note to let the person know you enjoyed meeting him. If you come across a business opportunity or a news article that you think your new acquaintance might be interested in, let him know. When you stay in touch, relationships will naturally grow. 

http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/234148

8 Slow, Difficult Steps to Become a Millionaire

Money of course isn't everything. Not by a long shot. Where your definition of success is concerned, money may rank far down the list. Everyone’s definition of “success” is different. Here's mine:

"Success is making those that believed in you look brilliant."

For me, money doesn't matter all that much, but I'll confess, it did at one time (probably because I didn't have very much). So, let’s say money is on your list. And let’s say, like millions of other people, that you’d like to be a millionaire. What kinds of things should you do to increase your chances of joining the millionaire's club?

Here are the steps I'd suggest. They're neither fast nor easy. But, they're more likely to work than the quick and easy path.

1. Stop obsessing about money.

While it sounds counterintuitive, maintaining a laser-like focus on how much you make distracts you from doing the things that truly contribute to building and growing wealth. So shift your perspective.

"See money not as the primary goal but as a by-product of doing the right things."

2. Start tracking how many people you help, even in a very small way.

The most successful people I know – both financially and in other ways – are shockingly helpful. They’re incredibly good at understanding other people and helping them achieve their goals. They know their success is ultimately based on the success of the people around them.

So they work hard to make other people successful: their employees, their customers, their vendors and suppliers… because they know, if they can do that, then their own success will surely follow.

And they will have built a business – or a career – they can be truly proud of.

3. Stop thinking about making a million dollars and start thinking about serving a million people.

When you only have a few customers and your goal is to make a lot of money, you’re incented to find ways to wring every last dollar out of those customers.

But when you find a way to serve a million people, many other benefits follow. The effect of word of mouth is greatly magnified. The feedback you receive is exponentially greater – and so are your opportunities to improve your products and services. You get to hire more employees and benefit from their experience, their skills, and their overall awesomeness.

And, in time, your business becomes something you never dreamed of – because your customers and your employees have taken you to places you couldn't even imagine.

Serve a million people – and serve them incredibly well – and the money will follow.

4. See making money as a way to make more things.

Generally speaking there are two types of people.

One makes things because they want to make money; the more things they make, the more money they make. What they make doesn’t really matter that much to them – they’ll make anything as long as it pays.

The other wants to make money because it allows them to make more things. They want to improve their product. They want to extend their line. The want to create another book, another song, another movie. They love what they make and they see making money as a way to do even more of what they love. They dream of building a company that makes the best things possible … and making money is the way to fuel that dream and build that company they love.

While it is certainly possible to find that one product that everyone wants and grow rich by selling that product, most successful businesses evolve and grow and as they make money, reinvest that money in a relentless pursuit of excellence.

"We don't make movies to make money, we make money to make more movies." ~Walt Disney

5. Do one thing better.

Pick one thing you're already better at than most people.Just. One. Thing. Become maniacally focused at doing that one thing. Work. Train. Learn. Practice. Evaluate. Refine. Be ruthlessly self-critical, not in a masochistic way but to ensure you continue to work to improve every aspect of that one thing.

Financially successful people do at least one thing better than just about everyone around them. (Of course it helps if you pick something to be great at that the world also values – and will pay for.)

Excellence is its own reward, but excellence also commands higher pay – and greater respect, greater feelings of self-worth, greater fulfillment, a greater sense of achievement… all of which make you rich in non-monetary terms.

Win-win.

6. Make a list of the world’s ten best people at that one thing.

How did you pick those ten? How did you determine who was the “best”? How did you measure their “success”?

Use those criteria to track your own progress towards becoming the best.

If you're an author it could be Amazon rankings. If you’re a musician it could be iTunes downloads. If you’re a programmer, it could be the number of people that use your software. If you’re a leader it could be the number of people you train and develop who move on to bigger and better things. If you’re an online retailer it could be purchases per visitor, or on-time shipping, or conversion rate…

Don’t just admire successful people. Take a close look at what makes them successful. Then use those criteria to help create your own measures of success. And then…

7. Consistently track your progress.

We tend to become what we measure, so track your progress at least once a week against your key measures.

Maybe you’ll measure how many people you’ve helped. Maybe you’ll measure how many customers you’ve served. Maybe you’ll evaluate the key steps on your journey to becoming the world’s best at one thing.

Maybe it’s a combination of those things, and more.

8. Build routines that ensure progress.

Never forget that achieving a goal is based on creating routines. Say you want to write a 200-page book; that’s your goal. Your system to achieve that goal could be to write 4 pages a day; that’s your routine. Wishing and hoping won’t get you to a finished manuscript, but sticking faithfully to your routine ensures you reach your goal.

Or say you want to land 100 new customers through inbound marketing. That’s your goal; your routine is to create new content, new videos, new podcasts, new white papers, etc. on whatever schedule you set. Stick to that routine and meet your deadlines and if your content is great you will land those new customers.

Wishing and hoping won’t get you there – sticking faithfully to your routine will.

Set goals, create routines that support those goals, and then ruthlessly track your progress. Fix what doesn’t work. Improve and repeat what does work. Refine and revise and adapt and work hard every day to be better than you were yesterday.

Soon you’ll be good. Then you’ll be great. And one day you’ll be world-class.

And then, probably without even noticing, you’ll also be a millionaire. You know, if you like that sort of thing.

http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/236687

5 Steps to a Fresh Start

Sometimes, walking away is the best move you can make.

Whether you've quit something of your own free will or been forcibly ejected, starting over always requires a leap of faith. Yes, there’s the exhilaration of new possibilities and the open road ahead, but there’s also that moment of free fall and the fear that, somehow, you won’t land on your feet. To echo the Jerome Kern song, here are some tips on what you can do for yourself as “you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.”
1.  Manage your regrets
All of us will, inevitably, experience some regret in life; it just comes with the territory of being human. Regret can either sink you at times of stress or, if it’s processed, can actually act as a floatation device, helping to shape your decisions about your future. There’s some debate about whether, to paraphrase Robert Frost, human beings tend to regret the road taken or the road not taken more.
Famously, Amos Twersky and Daniel Kahneman found in one experiment that when participants considered the situation of two people, both of whom had lost the potential of making $1,200 under different circumstances—one through inaction (not buying stock) and the other through action (selling the stock that became valuable)—92 percent concluded that the person who had acted by selling the stock would feel more regret than the one who lost the money through inaction. But the work of Thomas Gilovic and Victoria Husted Medvec challenged that view, finding in surveys that more people regretted the actions they hadn't taken.
Take stock of your regrets; in fact, if you need to, write them down so that you can really look at them. Do they fall into the category of action or inaction? What can you learn about yourself and your future intentions by looking at what you regret? A study by Colleen Saffrey and colleagues showed that regret can be used productively to make sense of where you've been, inform the decisions you’re going to make, inform your future actions and, of course, help ensure you don’t make the same mistakes again.
2. Deal with your rumination
The adage about crying over spilled milk is true enough but, for many of us, getting off the carousel of repetitive thoughts is hard, if not sometimes impossible. The work of Daniel Wegner on “white bears”—the thoughts we try to suppress but can’t—has illuminated the process by which the mind unconsciously searches for the very thoughts we’re trying not to think about. It turns out that the more we try not to think, the more we’ll actually be thinking those thoughts. Rumination is fed by being alone, so one plan is to surround yourself with some folks you trust and talk through your worries. Another suggestion, offered by Wegner, is to assign yourself a “worry time.” It can be as long or short as you wish, but devote yourself to worrying during that period alone. Consciously focusing on a worry seems counter-intuitive but it too can help, as can meditation.
3. Think about your new goal in abstract terms
This strategy is offered by Charles Carver and Scheier in their classic book on self-regulation and is, I think, brilliant in its simplicity. They write that “If one path is barricaded, people need to be able to jump to another.” Thinking about your goal in abstract terms, moving away from the specifics of the situation to a more nuanced and deeper understanding of your wants and needs can help push you forward. I’m adapting here from an example Carver and Scheier give. Say you are starting over from the ending or loss of a close relationship or marriage. While finding another partner or spouse may seem impossible in the moment, recognizing that what you really want is the experience of closeness shifts your vision and opens up new possibilities for action. Similarly, if you’re starting over in the area of career, focusing on what you really want in the future (work in a supportive environment with lots of collegial contact or, alternatively, work independently and make your own hours) will help you clarify your goals and make it easier to figure out the best strategy to achieve them.
4. Adopt the right mind-set
If your mind-set can be boiled down to “full-steam ahead,” you’re not being nuanced enough. Thinking about and planning your goals requires one mind-set, and actually achieving your goal another, as work of Peter Gollwitzer has shown. The first mind-set is deliberative and it’s open-ended so you can weigh your choices and strategies, and gather all the information you need to pursue your goal. It’s at this point that you’ll want to network, solicit other opinions, and determine feasibility. The deliberate mind-set is, above all, realistic. In contrast, the implemental mind-set is focused on action; optimism is important at this stage, even though it can make you overstate your chances of success because you need the optimism to charge ahead. But by focusing, you can shift from one mind-set to the other, depending on the circumstances. This is where consciousness of not just what you’re thinking but how you’re thinking really matters. Let’s say that your approach, despite your best efforts, isn’t working. That’s a signal to get out of the implemental mode and switch back to the deliberative mind-set so that you can reconsider all of your options.
5.  Motivate yourself
Harness your energy by focusing on the things you’ve done that have put you in what Mihaly Csikszentimihalyi has called “flow.” What is “flow”? Can you recall a time when you were doing something and you totally lost track of time, felt completely immersed in what you were doing, and, at the same time, felt a great sense of satisfaction and meaningfulness? That, in a nutshell, is flow. Be creative as you begin to think about what you want to do next, and get a bead on the things you do that put you in flow. Flow can be achieved through many activities—gardening, knitting, writing, playing sports, helping others, and almost anything else—and try to think about those activities in more abstract terms. What parts of them put you in flow? Is there a way of incorporating some of those experiences into where you’re going next?
 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201403/5-steps-fresh-start

4 Keys to Building Long-Lasting Love

Advice from the experts, and from couples who've done it.

My husband and I have now been a couple for longer than we have been separate entities. I wouldn't say that we've always been "in love" during the 30 years we’ve been together, but we have always loved each other, we have always been kind to each other, and we have always, above all else, been friends.
Marriage is good for your health, according to a recent study by the Duke University Medical Centre. Research drawn from more than 4,800 participants born in the 1940s found that those who had never married were twice as likely to die in midlife as people who had a long-term partner

But what does it take to sustain a strong, long-lasting connection? Here's some of what we've learned:

1. Keep the Lines Open
It’s not necessarily quantity but quality that counts most when it comes to communication. Lois Hjelmstand’s husband of 65 years, Les, worked the night shift for 25 years, but they always made time to connect. “We’d grab a half hour here and there when we could,” she recalls Lois. “We’d sit in our chairs in the bedroom and put our feet in the other’s lap before he went to bed. The kids knew this was our quiet time.”
Every couple has a communication pattern—whether conscious or not. “Look at how you greet your mate when they come home,” suggests couples mediator Laurie Puhn, author of Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In. “Do you ask how their day was, or whether they remembered to pick up the dry cleaning? These little comments add up—one way or another."
And sometimes, it’s not what you say but how you say it. Bob Bloch has been writing poetry to wife Janice for 65 years. “My straw man says the things that I want to express but can’t,” he admits. “Sometimes I’ll smooth over a disagreement with a poem, or I’ll just tell my wife how much I love her.”

2. Meet in the Middle
“The more you practice negotiation skills, the easier it will be to use them when making difficult decisions,” explains Puhn, who says it’s important to make sure nobody wins or loses. Instead, whenever possible, try to find middle ground.
“Just remember that you're not always right, and give in a little,” advises Maxine Griffith, age 94, married to husband Pershing for 70 years.
Providing children with good role models for communication is key to developing the trust that keeps a family strong, Puhn says. David and Audrey Knotts, married for 70 years, can testify to this. “Our three kids have always known that they can come to us with anything,” he says. “I think that’s partly because they grew up seeing us talking, working things out."

3. Put Family First
"Everything in our marriage has always revolved around family and togetherness," says Herman Solomon, 102, of his 80-year union with his wife, Bertie. The couple worked together at a family business, and has planned all of their holidays and vacations around their children, grandchildren, and now, great-grandchildren.
Sharing experiences does strengthens a marriage and a family, according to Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. “Filling up the well of goodwill is what we draw on in the tough times,” she says. To cope with a job that required frequent moves around the country, John Merrill, married to wife Bev for 62 years, says his family made a conscious effort to find home and comfort in each other. “Everybody pulled together and got closer," he recalls, "because we needed to."

4. Maintain a Strong Partnership
According to Tessina, the most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is to form a partnership. That entails respect, trust, and intimacy. “There’s an art to making your partner feel understood and accepted,” she says. “Gentle touch, eye contact, a sense of humour, and the right words all create the right atmosphere.”
Lois Hjelmstand’s top priority has always been nurturing that intimacy, which she admits can be hard work. “There are times when we've lost our desire for each other, but we just make a date and make it happen,” she says. “We've been together for so long that we know how to rekindle the flame.”
The bottom line, according to Ruth Palitz, is enjoying each other in bad and good times and, through it all, being kind to each other. “My husband Lou and I have always trusted each other,” she says. “We’ve looked out for each other for 70 years.”
And they’re still going strong.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/one-true-thing/201404/4-keys-building-long-lasting-love

6 Ways to Win Any Argument

... or at least, end it.

One of life’s most difficult emotional situations is the argument. Whether with someone you love, despise, or don’t even know, conflict can increase anxiety and blood pressure, if not your sense of discomfort. Some people go to great lengths to avoid conflict of any kind, while others seem ready to argue at a moment’s notice. If you’re somewhere in between, as most people are, you may prefer not to argue, but are prepared to do so when necessary.

The question then becomes how to make the argument go your way.

There's plenty of social-science research on conflict and conflict resolution. We know, for example, that in close relationships, there are ways to resolve conflict that improve a couple’s ability to remain together—and other ways that can threaten it.

I’d like to tackle the more general question of how to use what we know about conflict resolution to help you in any kind of dispute, not just one with a romantic partner or family member. I’ve borrowed some ideas from an insightful review by Israeli psychologist Eran Halperin (2014) concerning the roles of emotion and emotion regulation in conflict resolution. Although Halperin applies this model to political conflict, lessons from his work also apply to disputes that operate on a personal rather than global level.

Halperin bases the paper on the cognitive model of emotions, an approach that emphasizes how people’s appraisal or thoughts about a situation shape their feelings—for example, you’re most likely to feel afraid when you feel threatened, and to feel sad when you feel that you've lost something. Halperin points out that people’s appraisals can be influenced by the mass media, which can shape the views of people not directly involved in a situation. For example, you may not have personally known a celebrity who has died, but constant exposure to the loss through social media and news coverage can sadden you anyway.

In an argument, your appraisal that you’re losing, your belief that you need to be “right,” and the extent to which you like the other person can all have an impact on the emotions you experience. Extrapolating from Halperin’s model, which also emphasizes the impact of other people’s reactions (such as whether they support you), your emotions can also get aroused by the desire to gain the respect of onlookers—no one enjoys being made to look ignorant in front of others, and when you feel that you’re being made the fool, your outrage only increases. But the angrier you get, the less likely you are to win, because you lose the ability to stand your logical ground.

With these considerations in mind, here are 6 key argument-winning tools.

Keep in mind: Winning an argument doesn't necessarily mean being the only one who’s right. If your goal is to resolve a conflict, then to “win” might mean you “lose":

1. Know your facts. How many times have you made a claim about some piece of trivia only to realize, as soon as you've made that claim, that you’re completely wrong? Inevitably, someone challenges you, but because you don’t want to “lose,” you continue to stick to your guns. This is not an ideal way to win (or enter) an argument. In the TV show Psych, the lead character often says when challenged, unconvincingly, “I've heard it both ways.” Stop and think before you make such bloopers yourself, and you’ll be less likely to lose, whether the matter is trivia or a truly important career or relationship challenge.
2. Be ready to see the other person’s perspective. You don’t have to agree with a foe in order to see his or her perspective. However, if you want to win an argument, you do need to be able to see the world the way your opponent does. Stepping into the mental set of those you argue with allows you to figure out what’s influencing them. Perhaps they’re feeling threatened, anxious, or annoyed. Perhaps they know something that you don’t. In any case, showing empathy will lower the temperature of the debate and allow both of you to come to resolution.
3. If you can’t be open-minded, at least seem that way. Becoming defensive is one of the worst ways to win an argument. Don’t let your opponent sense that you’re digging into your position without being willing to consider alternatives. If you appear to be giving the other side’s position a thoughtful review, then the solution you propose will seem to be far more sensible. Furthermore, your opponent may come to your side without your having to do anything other than listen. By letting your opponent speak, you may allow the situation to naturally resolve itself.
4. Keep your emotions under control. From the Halperin review, it’s clear that emotions play an important role in conflict by altering how you appraise the situation. In addition, Halperin also pointed out that being able to regulate your emotions is equally important. If you lose your temper, you’ll only antagonize your opponent, which will further heighten his or her wrath, and the process can only escalate upwards. Don’t worry that you'll seem weak by becoming calm in the midst of an argument—you’ll gain points by showing that you can exercise self-control. Who knows, the argument may even end right then and there, once both of you take a more reasoned perspective.
5. Remain hopeful that the argument can be resolved. Arguments, by definition, involve negative emotions. In the midst of a screaming fest, it might be hard to see yourself coming out on the other side with your dignity intact. However, invoking the feeling of hope allows you to think more clearly, leading to the possibility that you’ll win by sheer force of logic. As Halperin points out, hope allows you to "come up with creative solutions to the disputes at the core of the conflict” (p. 71). In other words, you may see a way out of what seems to be a locked battle of wills once you believe that there is a way out. This is what happens in ordinary problem-solving, when thinking outside of the box can help all sides come up with a solution. Such an “aha” moment in an argument can lead you straight to victory.
6. Respect your opponent. Many arguments have no clear victors: You may get your way, but your relationship or situation is the worse for it. A successful argument within a relationship remains compartmentalized. Don’t let it lead to questioning the entire basis of the relationship. By the same token, don’t insult or degrade your opponent. Even if the individual is someone you’ll never see again, it’s still important to show that you meant “nothing personal” in the dispute.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/6-ways-win-any-argument

How To Speak Confidently, Credibly And Influentially

Have you ever felt moved while listening to a charismatic motivational speaker?

If you boil down to one factor what it was that moved you what would that be?

Well likely that the speaker was appealing to you as a human being, that is to your emotional heart. He/She likely awakened the emotions of passion that live in your heart and this is what you then felt erupting out of your chest and flowing throughout your entire being.

What does it take to become such a powerful speaker?

Well quite simply it requires that you, as a speaker speak from the heart!

In other words allow yourself to feel, be inspired and guided by what you genuinely feel in the core of your being.

Now this is not an easy thing to do for several reasons:

1. Most speakers attempt to structure their talks around a well laid out "mental plan" that has nothing to do with the emotional heart.

2. Many speakers are uncomfortable with feeling let alone displaying their emotions in public.

3. There is a huge fear of letting one's self be guided by something that most of society considers fickle, untrustworthy, impulsive, illogical etc.

So how can you deliver an impassioned speech if you're not even feeling the source of that passion yourself? Well pure and simple, you can't!

That relegates your talk to one that is perceived as rigid, flat, boring, dry, uninteresting, forgettable, soporific, and not persuasive and so on.

In order to speak passionately it therefore becomes necessary for you to begin to feel comfortable relying on your core human self or your emotional heart.

Now as I said many individuals are uncomfortable with this largely because during their lives they became conditioned not to feel, express or trust their feelings. The result is that many became what I call "emotionally impaired".

The impairment, which is the cumulative storage of years of negative conditioned beliefs that they carry within, can now be reversed easily, quickly, painlessly and permanently with a new process which has the capacity to bring the mind and body to the service of the emotional and passionate heart.

Another way of saying this is that it will unleash the passionate charismatic speaker that lives and has always lived inside you.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/how-to-speak-confidently-credibly-and-influentially

Metaperceptions: How Do You See Yourself?

To navigate the social universe, you need to know what others think of you—although the clearest view depends on how you see yourself.

I gave a toast at my best friend's wedding last summer, a speech I carefully crafted and practised delivering. And it went well: The bride and groom beamed; the guests paid attention and reacted in the right spots; a waiter gave me a thumbs-up. I was relieved and pleased with myself. Until months later—when I saw the cold, hard video documentation of the event. As I watched myself getting ready to make the toast, a funny thing happened. I got butterflies in my stomach all over again. I was nervous for myself, even though I knew the outcome would be just fine. Except maybe the jitters were warranted. The triumph of that speech in my mind's eye morphed into the duller reality unfolding on the TV screen. My body language was awkward. My voice was grating. My facial expressions, odd. My timing, not quite right. Is this how people saw me? It's a terrifying thought: What if I possess a glaring flaw that everyone notices but me? Or, fears aside, what if there are a few curious chasms between how I view myself and how others view me? What if I think I'm efficient but I'm seen as disorganized? Critical, but perceived as accepting?

While many profess not to care what others think, we are, in the end, creatures who want and need to fit into a social universe. Humans are psychologically suited to interdependence. Social anxiety is really just an innate response to the threat of exclusion; feeling that we're not accepted by a group leaves us agitated and depressed.
The ability to intuit how people see us is what enables us to authentically connect to others and to reap the deep satisfaction that comes with those ties. We can never be a fly on the wall to our own personality dissections, watching as people pick us apart after meeting us. Hence we are left to rely on the accuracy of what psychologists call our "metaperceptions"—the ideas we have about others' ideas about us.
The bottom line: It comes down to what you think about yourself


Your ideas about what others think of you hinge on your self-concept—your own beliefs about who you are. "You filter the cues that you get from others through your self-concept," explains Mark Leary, professor of psychology at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
Our self-concept is fundamentally shaped by one person in particular: Mama. How our mother (or primary caregiver) responded to our first cries and gestures heavily influences how we expect to be seen by others. "Children behave in ways that perpetuate what they have experienced," says Martha Farrell Erickson, senior fellow with the Children, Youth and Family Consortium at the University of Minnesota. "A child who had an unresponsive mother will act obnoxious or withdrawn so that people will want to keep their distance. Those with consistently responsive mothers are confident and connect well with their peers."
As an infant scans his mother's face he absorbs clues to who he is; as adults we continue to search for our reflections in others' eyes. While the parent-child bond is not necessarily destiny, it does take quite a bit to alter self-concepts forged in childhood, whether good or bad. People rely on others' impressions to nurture their views about themselves, says William Swann, professor of psychology at the University of Texas, Austin. His research shows that people with negative self-concepts goad others to evaluate them harshly, especially if they suspect the person likes them—they would rather be right than be admired.

The top line: You probably do know what people think of you
But it's likely you don't know any one person's assessment. "We have a fairly stable view of ourselves," says Bella DePaulo, visiting professor of psychology at the University of California at Santa Barbara. "We expect other people to see that same view immediately." And they do. On average there is consensus about how you come off. But you can't apply that knowledge to any one individual, for a variety of reasons.
For starters, each person has an idiosyncratic way of sizing up others that (like metaperceptions themselves) is governed by her own self-concept. A person you meet will assess you through her unique lens, which lends consistency to her views on others. Some people, for example, are "likers" who perceive nearly everyone as good-natured and smart.
Furthermore, if a particular person doesn't care for you, it won't always be apparent. "People are generally not direct in everyday interactions," says DePaulo. Classic work by psychologist Paul Ekman has shown that most people can't tell when others are faking expressions. Who knows how many interactions you've walked away from thinking you were a hit while your new friend was actually faking agreeability?
And there's just a whole lot going on when you meet someone. You're talking, listening and planning what you're going to say next, as well as adjusting your nonverbal behavior and unconsciously responding to the other person's. DePaulo calls it "cognitive busyness."
Because of all we have to contend with, she says, we are unable to effectively interpret someone else's reactions. "We take things at face value and don't really have the means to infer others' judgements." Until afterward, of course, when you mull over the interaction, mining your memory for clues.

Context is key
While our personalities (and self-concepts) are fairly consistent across time and place, some situations, by their very structure, can change or even altogether wipe out your personality. You might feel like the same old you wherever you are, but the setting and role you happen to be playing affect what people think of you. Suppose you describe yourself as light hearted and talkative. Well, no one could possibly agree if they meet you at your brother's funeral.

What type of person can handle feedback…
Are you open to experience? Are you, say, perennially taking up new musical instruments or scouting out-of-the-way neighbourhoods? If so, your curiosity will drive you to learn new things about the world and yourself. You'll be inclined to ask people how you're doing as you embark on new challenges, and you will gather a clearer idea of how you come off to others, says David Funder, professor of psychology at the University of California at Riverside.
People endowed with the trait of physical awareness have a keen sense of how they present themselves. If you are concerned with the observable parts of personality—voice, posture, clothes and walk—as an actor would be, says Funder, "you will control the impression you give, and your self-perception will be more accurate." If, for example, you slouch but don't know it, your droopy posture registers in the minds of those you meet and enters into how they see you—unbeknownst to you.
If you are someone who craves approval, you will tend to think you make a positive impression on other people. And generally, you will, says DePaulo.
People who have learned to regulate their emotions are in a much better position to know what others think of them, says Carroll Izard, professor of psychology at the University of Delaware: "They are able to detect emotions on others' faces and to feel empathy." If you are either overwhelmed with feelings or unable to express them at all, it becomes difficult to interpret someone else's response to you. Learning to give concrete expression to your feelings and to calm yourself in highly charged moments will give you a much better grip on your own and others' internal states.
Those with personalities that feed the accuracy of their metaperceptions are handsomely rewarded. "The more accurate you are about how others perceive you, the better you fare socially," says Leary. "Think of a person who thinks he's really funny but isn't. He interprets polite laughter as genuine laughter, but everyone is on to him and annoyed by him."

…And what kind of person rejects feedback
There are people who behave in ways that prevent them from getting direct feedback from others, which renders them less able to know how they come off. Maybe you're a boss who is prickly and hostile in the face of criticism. Or a student who bursts into tears over a bad evaluation. Either way, coworkers and teachers will start leaving you in the dark to fumble over your own missteps.
Such demeanor may even encourage others to lie to you, says DePaulo. You may project a fragility that makes others afraid they will break you by offering honest criticism.
Narcissism also blocks metaperception. Instead of wincing, as "normal" subjects do, when forced to see themselves onscreen, narcissists become even more self-biased, finds Oliver John, professor of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley. When he and his team videotaped people diagnosed as pathological narcissists, a group absorbed with themselves, their subjects loved watching the footage and uniformly thought they came off beautifully! The finding underscores how fiercely we defend our self-concepts, even if they reflect psychological instability. —Carlin Flora

How to Solicit a Character Critique (Yours!)

Muster your courage and set up an "exit interview" if you're left wondering why a relationship went south. In a spirit of fact-finding—that is, without hostility—contact your ex and ask for an honest and kind discussion of how things went awry. You're not looking to get your ex back (or get back at your ex) but to gather information to prevent lightning from striking twice. Ask questions ("What could I have done better?") and listen. Be sure you don't use the conversation to justify your old behavior.
Shyness: a double whammy


If you are socially anxious (otherwise known as shy), you likely fret that you don't come off well. Unfortunately, you're probably right. Shy people convey unflattering impressions of themselves, says DePaulo. But not for the reasons they think. People don't see them as lacking in smarts, wit or attractiveness but as haughty and detached. When you're anxious, you fail to ask others about themselves or put them at ease in any way, which can be seen as rude and self-centred.
In a way, many shy people are self-centred, points out Bernie Carducci, psychologist at Indiana University Southeast and author of Shyness: A Bold New Approach. They imagine that everyone is watching and evaluating their every move. They think they are the centre of any social interaction, and because they can't stand that, they shut down (unlike anexhibitionist, who would relish it). Socially anxious people are so busy tracking what others think that they can't act spontaneously. Still, many people find them endearing, precisely because they don't hog attention.

The powerful and the beautiful
Neither group gets accurate feedback. "People are too dazzled or intimidated to react honestly to them," says Funder. Michael Levine, the head of a Hollywood public relations agency, has run up against many such people, who end up with a deluded sense of self thanks to a coterie of sycophants. If you are among the bold and the beautiful, he says, you must invite feedback by playing on the fact that people want desperately to be liked by you. "You must let them know that your approval is conditional upon their honesty with you."

Don't worry—you're not see-through
The traits others judge us on fall roughly into two categories—visible and invisible. Funder has found that others notice our visible traits more than we ourselves do (the eye, after all, can't see its own lashes, as the Chinese proverb goes). You would rate yourself higher on the characteristic of "daydreams" than others would—simply because they cannot easily discern whether or not you're a daydreamer. They'll tend to assume you're not.
The good news, however, is that on a scale of physical attractiveness, others always rate you about one point higher than you rate yourself. This applies to "charm," too—another characteristic you can't easily convey to yourself, one that others naturally have a better window onto. "Imagine trying to be charming while alone on a desert island," Funder observes.
One common concern is that internal states are evident for all to see. In a study where subjects did some public speaking and then rated their own performances, the anxious ones in the group gave themselves a low rating, thinking that their inner churning was apparent to all. But audiences reported that they did just fine.
"Invisible" traits aren't entirely invisible—at least not to close friends. But an anxious friend would still rate herself higher on worry than we would.
The invisible/visible trait divide helps explain why people agree more on your positive attributes than your negative ones, says Eric Turkheimer, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia. "First of all, people are less honest about their own negative traits," he says, "and many of these are 'stealth' traits. You'd have to know someone really well to have any thoughts on whether or not he 'feels empty inside,' for example."

Self-awareness: a blessing and a curse


There is one sure way to see yourself from others' perspective—on videotape (as I did post-toast). But remember, the image is still filtered through your self-concept—it's still you watching you. Paul Silvia, assistant professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, points to an experiment in which psychologically healthy adults watched tapes of themselves giving group presentations. They described it as quite sobering. They cued into their faults and judged themselves much more harshly than they would have had they relied on their own impressions of the experience. You evaluate yourself much more critically when you are self-aware, because you are focused on your failure to meet internal standards.
If I watch myself on tape, I'm not only viewing with my self-concept in mind, I'm comparing "me" to my "possible selves," the "me's" I wish to become. Here is where an unbridgeable gap opens up between people: I will never have a sense of anyone else's possible selves, nor they mine.
So, should we just rely on our memories of events, protective of self-esteem as they are, and eschew concrete documentation of ourselves? Not necessarily, says Silvia. But the dilemma reveals how self-awareness is a double-edged sword. Self-awareness furnishes a deep, rich self-concept—but it also can be paralysing, warns Leary, author of The Curse of the Self: Self-Awareness, Egotism and the Quality of Human Life. "It leads you to overanalyze others' reactions to you and misinterpret them."
Many of the most unpleasant shades on our emotional palettes—embarrassment, shame, envy—exist solely in the interpersonal realm. We cannot feel them until we are self-aware enough to worry what others think about us. These emotions are supposed to motivate us to cut out potentially self-destructive behaviours. But, Leary points out, given the brain's natural bias toward false alarms, people feel overly embarrassed. Too much concern about what others think can only constrict behavior and stifle the spirit.

Do you really want to know how you come off?
Report cards and annual reviews give you information on your performance in school and at work. But you'll rarely be treated to a straightforward critique of your character—unless someone blurts one out in a heated argument or you solicit it directly. "You could always ask a family member or someone else who knows you are stuck with them to tell you honestly what they think of you," says Funder. Publicist Levine took this approach a bit further when he asked several ex-girlfriends to each list three positive and three negative aspects of being in a relationship with him. "There was some consistency in their answers," he says. "It was challenging to take it in, but really helpful."
"There's always a trade-off between how you want to feel and what you want to know," says DePaulo. If ignorance is bliss, maybe it's best to trust someone's instinct to protect you. "But there are times when you really need accurate feedback," she says, "such as when you are trying to decide if you would be good in a certain career."
Perhaps the delicate balance between feeling good about yourself and knowing exactly how you come off is best maintained not by all those elusive "others." Maybe it's maintained by your most significant ones, the people who will keep you in line but appreciate you for who you are, not just for the impressions you leave behind

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200505/metaperceptions-how-do-you-see-yourself

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