If You Want To Be Happier, Raise Your EQ

Did you know that Emotional Intelligence (EQ) predicts your success and happiness far more than your IQ? In this post, you'll learn what Emotional Intelligence is, how you get cut off from it, and the first step to growing your EQ to be happier.

Most of us are familiar with measuring intelligence according to the well-known IQ rating of cognitive intelligence. In 1983, Dr. Howard Gardner of Harvard University proposed that this number is a partial measure at best. He proposed eight distinct types of intelligence: linguistic, logical-mathematical, spatial, bodily-kinesthetic, musical, interpersonal, intrapersonal, and nature intelligence. In other words, we can be intelligent in important ways beyond what I.Q. measures.

Since that time, the field of multiple intelligences has taken off. Recently, Emotional Intelligence (EQ) has come to the fore as the number one predictor of success and happiness in life-both professionally and personally.

Researchers Travis Bradberry and Jeane Greaves describe a set of

Four Essential Emotional Intelligence Skills:

1. Self-awareness: the ability to accurately understand your emotions and tendencies.

2. Self-management: the ability to use your emotional awareness to be flexible and direct your behavior positively.

3. Social awareness: the ability to pick up on the feelings of others and understand what is going on with them.

4. Relationship management: the ability to use your awareness of your own feelings and the feelings of others to manage interpersonal interactions well.

Fortunately, unlike I.Q., which appears to be innate and unchanging, EQ is something you can learn and get better at. Yet, a quick glance at the news reveals EQ is in short supply. As a result, we see highly-polarizing interactions that create division, conflict, anxiety, and mistrust. If Emotional Intelligence is so important and we can learn it, why does it seem to elude us?

Why Does Emotional Intelligence Elude Us?

We live in a society that doesn't understand the purpose of emotions and encourages us to set feelings aside in favor of "getting things done." Ironically, what keeps us from getting things done, knowing what is important to do, and working well with others are the very emotions we ignore.

Emotions give us feedback on what is really happening in our interactions with others. Handled skillfully they enable us to set boundaries, relate to others effectively, and connect to what is essential in our own lives. According to Karla McLaren (author of "The Language of Emotions"), each emotion serves a specific and indispensable function.

Yet, from our youngest years we're taught to be wary of being too emotional. We're taught there are good emotions and bad ones. In most situations, we're taught that it's best to "put on a happy face."

Only in special circumstances is it O.K. and justified to experience anger. We can be sad in certain instances, but not for too long. We should never focus on feelings of guilt or shame; we need to overcome fear and jealousy-and never ever feel hate. This is understandable, given the suffering that the unconscious and unskilled expression of these feelings has caused throughout human history.

We associate anger and hate with discrimination, abuse, and violence. We associate sadness with depression. We associate jealousy with interpersonal conflict. We associate fear with repression. We associate apathy with not caring. We associate negative feelings with unskilled expressions of these feelings and, therefore, we try to avoid them.

Curiously, not only is negative emotion to be avoided, but even positive over-exuberance is viewed as too much of a good thing. Except in certain situations where enthusiasm is encouraged, like at parties or sporting events, we are encouraged to be calm, cool, and collected, no matter how we're really feeling inside.

Because of uneasiness regarding emotions in general, and negative emotions in particular, we train ourselves to be experts at three activities that keep emotions at bay-distraction, avoidance, and addiction.

1. Distraction. You're taught to distract yourself from the time you are a baby. Who hasn't held up a cute stuffed animal and made silly sounds to distract a baby from crying? As an adult, you might distract yourself from acknowledging feelings with entertainment, work, or your "To Do List."

2. Avoidance is a more deliberate refusal to acknowledge your feelings. Instead, you repress them. When asked about an emotional reaction, you say, "I'm fine. It's nothing. I'm good." This habit eventually leads to emotional numbness and an inability to feel deeply except in extreme circumstances.

3. Addiction. You dissociate from a particular feeling by repeating a behavior that creates a different bio-chemical response. For example, you drink caffeine to dissociate from fatigue, shyness, or sadness; drink alcohol to numb feelings of grief, stress, anger, or pain; exercise excessively to replace depression with an endorphin high; or eat compulsively to stuff down feelings of emptiness. It's not that any of these activities are "bad" in themselves. It's how you use them that make them helpful or harmful.

Each of us have favorite dissociative activities-and they are sometimes necessary. Sometimes you need a break from intense feelings or just can't process an overwhelming event at a given time. However, when dissociation becomes a chronic habit and you fail to acknowledge and learn from your feelings, that's a problem.

When you consistently disregard the messages in your emotions, you cut off the main line of communication between the deeper currents of your life and your conscious awareness. You disconnect from inner guidance that can tell you how to be healthier, happier, more integrated, purposeful, and alive. Cutting yourself off from your own emotions also disconnects you from emotional communication with others, which is the basis for deeper, more loving relationships.

Growing Emotional Intelligence

So, what can you do about this? How can you turn this around and begin to grow your Emotional Intelligence?

A first step is to pay more attention to your emotions by noticing their sensations in your body. Before reaching for the TV remote, that sugary snack, caffeine, alcohol, or painkillers, notice the sensations of emotion.

Ask yourself, "If this feeling were located somewhere in my body where would that be?" Then, describe it as a physical sensation. Is it hot, cold? Is there tightness or pressure? Numbness? Tingling? Itching? Nausea? Expansion? Contraction? Rising? Sinking?

While noticing these sensations, especially if they feel uncomfortable, may seem like an odd thing to do to be happier, it's a first step toward connecting with emotional guidance. There's a deeper wisdom nudging you in these sensations. Paying attention to the sensations of emotions is a way to access them, observe them, and allow them to inform you.

Once you are in touch with the sensation, ask yourself, "What is the message in this emotion?" Just notice what comes to mind.

If you're hesitant to engage with emotions, it's important to keep in mind that emotions are transient. No feeling lasts forever. They arise with a purpose. While present, an emotion gives you information about what is going on inside you, around you, and with others-along with energy to do something about it. Once emotional guidance is heeded, it subsides.

In upcoming articles, I'll share key principles to help you navigate emotions without being overwhelmed by them, insights on what specific emotions are trying to tell you, and strategies to use emotions as a guide to happiness.

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