Set Your Boundaries: Learn to Say "No" (By Rachana Gupta)

As a child, I was deeply influenced by the story of Cinderella and whenever somebody in the family asked who your favorite is, I would proudly announce her name. I wanted to wear dress like Cinderella and wanted to have fairy as a friend. When somebody asked why I like her so much, I would say because she is beautiful, truthful and kind. She always helps others and does good things to even those who are bad. She never says "No".

As children, we learned that saying no was impolite or inappropriate. We grow up watching movies or family examples where elders talk in front of us that people who say no are bad. Often "kindness" is associated with saying "yes" but in reality these are two different things. According to psychologist Dr Susan Newman, author of "The Book of No" the problem is more in women than men. In the words of Dr. Newman, "Women have been raised to be care givers and nurturers, and which is why the problem is more prevalent for women than men", however in my opinion the problem is not gender specific and it exists both in men and women. For some people this becomes a habit, or even an addiction.

In order to understand this little better let me tell you the reasons that makes a person always say yes-

1. For Love- It is proven fact that human beings are emotional and we all want love and affection. This is one of the most significant reasons that lead some of us to say yes because we think saying No will draw people apart from us and we will not be loved as much.
2. Fear of being rejected- We all want to be loved and hate being rejected. The idea of rejection is painful and sometimes just out of doubt, some of us say yes in spite of the fact that we want to say no in our heart.
3. For showing kindness- We all have seen this in the movies that good people are always kind and giving, and bad people are always unkind.They always say no to everyone. Saying No is often associated with rudeness and hence we choose to be kind instead of being rude.
4. For uncertainty of future- We often take wrong jobs and stay with people who take us for granted just because we develop a comfort zone around those familiar people and jobs. As humans, we sense danger in the unknown areas and therefore keep giving ourselves false excuses; to stay in those wrong jobs and with wrong people and keep saying yes to the things that make us unhappy.
5. Cultural pressure- As children we are always taught to be kind and say yes to everyone especially to elders and people in authoritative positions such as teachers. Hence, some of us as adults, find it difficult to say no to older people and to the managers at work place.

The cycle that starts in our childhood keeps going and we are trapped to the extent that we start feeling guilty whenever we say no to people. In most of the cases it's just an over hyped scenario that we build in our minds. In some other cases however, things get weird after people, who are habitual of listening yes from us suddenly start getting no. They start feeling that we have turned arrogant and some even feel betrayed. Sometimes we end up feeling lonely because of the sudden troubles we face in our close relationships. The same thing happens in the workplace where our colleagues and managers don't expect us to say no.

In spite of all these impacts, in my opinion saying no is much better than saying yes for most of the things because of the following reasons-

1. It gives you the opportunity to be true to yourself- Saying No to things that makes you unhappy saves your time and energy for doing other productive stuffs. It gives you the time to be genuinely involved in the things that you truly enjoy doing.
2. Good for mental health- There's nothing worse than saying yes for something you don't want to do. From my personal experience, it brings a lot of frustration and unnecessary stress. Saying No without feeling guilty will help you feel relaxed and you can perform your routine with increased focus and positive energy.
3. It gives you the confidence to demand what you think you deserve- Learning to say No gives boost to your confidence level and helps you to demand for the things you actually deserve, whether it's respect in personal relationships, higher pay or increased responsibilities at work.
4. It helps you know who your true well wishers are- People who stick to you just for getting favor of some kind will not stay with you once they learn that you are capable of saying No to them. Hence, it's also a good technique to understand who all your real wishers are.

Saying No is very difficult for people who have the habit of saying yes. Some tips derived from my personal experiences to tackle this issue-

1. Understand that saying no doesn't makes you a bad person- As adults, it is our choice whether to say yes or no for something. Letting go off the childhood preaching and saying no with confidence doesn't makes you a bad person.
2. Take time before you say yes- Every time someone asks you to do something, don't say yes right away, instead take time (a day or two), and think whether or not you actually want to do it. After contemplating, politely accept or refuse the request.
3. Remember that your self-worth doesn't depend on what others think of you- Your self-worth is what you recognize and it should not be subject to opinion of others. You don't need to please everyone you know. Realize that you are better than that and certainly worth much more.

It's a good thing to be considerate, helping and generous. A person can be kind and at the same time set his/her boundaries. It's important not to lose ourselves and our self-respect on the way to being compassionate and saying yes. In the words of Paulo Coelho, "When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself" and in the words of Tony Blair "The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes".

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