Feeling Lonely? 4 Steps to Leave Loneliness For Good

Today I felt compelled to pour my heart out to you and talk about a subject that I care so deeply about and that's loneliness. You don't need to be single to be lonely. In fact, there are literally thousands of husbands and wives who feel lonely in their marriage. As I reflect back on some of the loneliest times I have had in my life, I was surrounded by people. So if loneliness is not caused by a lack of people around you, what does cause it? My research has shown that it is either a feeling that you do not belong, being misunderstood or not feeling valued for who you are.

Loneliness often begins when there has been a breakdown in connection with your significant other or others in general. People I support after a breakup or break down in their marriage share that they don't feel seen, heard, or appreciated. It's a horrible feeling for sure. So I'm going to share the 4 steps I use to help individuals and couples leave loneliness for good...

If you have bouts of feeling lonely, these steps will help you. They work whether you are married, going through or coming out of a breakup or divorce or a "serial single" who hasn't yet met the "right" person or been able to commit.

4 Steps to Leave Loneliness

1. Stop The Negative Self-Talk.

If you ask "what's wrong with me?" "I don't belong?" "why is this happening to me?" it will bring you down. Our unconscious mind will always answer questions, so all you will get back is negative self-attacking reasons as to why. If you find it hard to stop them - read below for my free leave loneliness offer.

2. Break Emotional Habits That Keep You Isolated.

Stop the rituals that keep you even more lonely. Having worked with countless individuals to break the cycle of loneliness I discovered that like me, many people adopt practices, habits and rituals that keep them isolated. For example, I used to have an evening food ritual, where I'd stay in and comfort eat almost every night, at other times I would turn down social gatherings to watch my comfort TV shows again and again. I also must confess that during the economic crisis, feeling totally alone and in fear of losing my job - I used alcohol to feel the lonely void. Night after night, I would sit and drink on my own.

During my loneliest times, I used food, TV or alcohol to fill the emptiness I felt inside. What have you used?

The most damaging thing about emotional habits is that they keep you isolated, so the void grows bigger and you can become even more attached to your distraction vices. Creating a loneliness trap.

Others I have worked with, have fallen into patterns of oversleeping, eating, spending, working, exercising, watching porn, or using some other substance. This false replacement for connection can be lethal, so I first support individuals to free themselves from their habits, so they can work out, how they truly feel about their life, relationships and future.

Only by feeling your true emotions can you work out what you need to do to make yourself happy and only by noticing what is missing will you be motivated to change. Breaking free can be a liberating experience. At the same time, it takes courage to feel our true feelings, to actually experience any hurt, anger, disappointment, resentment that is present. That is often why we end up in the loneliness trap in the first place because painful past events have led us to isolate.

3. Connect and Reconnect

Focus on connecting with someone or something daily. This is crucial, it's actually one of the action steps I use to help people get out of depression. When we connect, we kick our loneliness to the kerb. The connection is about exchanging true feelings with someone, a heartfelt act of kindness or gratitude. You may be reading this thinking that's obvious or stupidly simple Nicola, yet so many people don't put any effort into connecting and get stuck in the loneliness trap. I know I've been there.

To leave loneliness permanently you need to connect with someone or something that gives you a sense of being valued or of oneness.

If you are in a relationship you can take steps to connect to your partner by showing love, appreciation, affection and attention. These are tools of romantic connection.

If you are single you can focus on connecting more deeply with friends and family, again give them your attention and appreciation.

If you don't feel like connecting with anyone you know, connect by doing some volunteer work for those in need.

You can also connect with god, the universe and nature. A walk along the beach or through a forest feeling the wind, sun or rain can be a beautiful way to escape the pain of loneliness.

4. Rebuilding Trust

Many people choose loneliness because it is easier than having to trust again. It can seem far safer to detach completely. Yet trust is essential to break free from the loneliness and live life fully. When I work with couples and individuals to rebuild trust, I do not ask them or suggest to, trust blindly. As it is most likely people we love will hurt us again. So I focus on helping people to build trust in themselves. To trust that they can and will cope if someone breaks their trust and hurts them. To boost self-trust, you need to focus on your self-confidence, esteem and create a balanced enjoyable life.

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