How to Kick Family Bullies Out of Your Life

Here, we're going to look at setting up boundaries in a family where one or more members are bullies, including a mother, father, brother, sister, relative, etc.

If you've had enough, then it's time to write a letter where you set firm boundaries and leave. I'll get to that later.

If you choose to stay, then you must take another approach. Here's an example of what I recommend (assuming you're an adult and no longer live with the family):

No matter how difficult it might be, you must stop walking on eggshells around the bully.

You need to set some firm boundaries around behavior, where you might say something like this: "For years we have been getting together, and invariably there's a fight because X doesn't like what I say."

"I've had enough. When I come here, I expect to be treated with respect and I will not put up with any more abuse. If X stages a fight I'm going to leave, immediately.

"I'll return when X has calmed down. If X erupts again, I'm leaving, and I'm not coming back."

At that point you need to decide whether to come back in a day or two or, if the abuse is severe, to end the relationship.

It's important to know that the bully will almost certainly violate your boundaries. He/she might threaten you, use other family members as allies against you and try to force you to capitulate. Whatever you do, don't give in. If you do, the abuse will continue.

It's important to follow through with consequences (such as getting up and leaving) if the bully violates your boundaries.

Over time, the relationship might improve, or it might deteriorate further, at which point you will need to reassess the situation and decide to keep trying or to say "I've had enough," and end the relationship once and for all.

Options

One option is to create a boundary where you meet the family members you like on neutral ground, such as a coffee shop or restaurant, which is another way to solve the problem.

An alternative is meeting everyone at a restaurant. If the bully becomes abusive, you can go to management and get them to force the bully to leave.

The key to fixing this problem is firm boundaries and not allowing the bully to get away with their behavior.

Severing the Ties with Family Bullies

Here's another template script you can use.

I'm writing this letter to let you know that I've decided to leave this family.

I will no longer tolerate the way I've been treated, and I refuse to put up with any more abuse in any form.

After spending time writing about the abuse, the thought came to mind, "Why am I still talking to these people?"

The obvious answer is because you're family, but if I remove the label of "family" and just look at the behaviors alone, I would have ended the relationship decades ago. I would never have allowed any "friend" to treat me the way that you do. I've allowed the "family" label and the implications of that to blind me to the truth. Not anymore.

When I consider how much I've suffered, I know I'm long overdue to get out. Every time we connect there's always the threat of violence and, worse, ongoing manipulation.

The bottom line is simple. I never want to see any of you again, nor do I want to hear from you by mail, email, phone or otherwise.

And XX, don't try to find me. I don't wish to be found. I've changed my phone number, and I've closed my email account, as well.

The bottom line is this, if you want to recover from the trauma of bullying, you MUST get the bully out of your life. If you do not, it will be difficult, if not impossible, to recover.

When the Bully is No Longer in Your Life

For some people, getting the bully out of their lives is enough and they will begin to recover. Others have been traumatized by the ongoing harassment which has caused a psychological injury, sometimes known as PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

If this has happened to you, you know you're in trouble. Fortunately, help exists. I work with Hamish Bayston, a coach who specializes in working with victims of bullying. With his coaching, you can remove the trauma of bullying from your life, change your limiting beliefs, stop the obsessive thinking and begin to live a normal life, free of the trauma of bullying.

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